Life as my alter-ego

I wrote a short story while in college about a girl who switches places with her alter-ego for a day. They go about their day as they would normally, but their different attitudes impact their surroundings. They slightly modify each other's life, mainly by creating or dismissing opportunities. I was trying to work out that the little things in daily life could have an impact in my future just as much as the big decisions I made. These small doors that open and shut each day, and go mostly unnoticed...

My major goal in college was to turn into the person I wanted to be - not only heading towards a carrier in science, but also stepping out of the shy and introverted persona I had acquired through middle- and high-school. I wanted to stop living in my mind: I wanted to be the person who lived in my mind - the one who did the same things but differently...

Looking back, the turning point happened after I took a philosophy course. I felt lost as the physical world crumbled around me. Like Sophie, my mind opened up to the possibilities and nothing seemed real anymore. It took me a week or two to recover from that surreal experience, but the person who stepped back into the world was not the one who left it. I was more attuned to the world around me and more proactive.

Some days I still wonder where I would be if I had made different choices, but I don't regret any of the ones I made. The scenarios that pop into my head are not any more enticing than the world in which I live. The things I would have to do without are more important to me than what I would maybe gain. But it is still fun to think about the possibilities, and what life would be like as my alter-ego...

And then I heard crack...

I am sure many, if not all, working mothers have these moments. The ones where you are trying to do everything. The days you forget that supermom does not exist. In this particular case, I was trying to hold up the fort so that Dada could get off to work early. He had a huge multicollaborator multinational grant due and labor day weekend was coming up - 3 days without daycare...

So there I was going through the motions of getting the kids to daycare and myself to work, while cleaning up after breakfast and starting laundry. I got the kids downstairs and was putting on their shoes when I noticed I had socks for the wrong boy and was missing a sippy cup. So I tell them I will be right back, run up the stairs, gather what I am missing, and run back - all before the little one can get to the second steps. That is when I panicked - and supermom should never panic.

Baby brother can climb the whole staircase, but he gets so excited that he tends to stand up and say "yay" after every step - potentially falling backwards. Hence, I rushed to get around big brother, who was trying to keep little brother sitting, so I could be behind the little one if he tipped backwards. In my rush I jumped over the last step and heard a crack when my foot hit the tile floor. Fortunately, I did not panic then.

I sat down. I took a deep breath. The kids sat with me. I was asked "Are you OK Mamãe"? I took a deep breath. I got their shoes on. Big brother asked if he could "kiss and make it better". Its healing powers are amazing... I was up - with a bit of pain, but it was bearable. A 2 on the 1-10 scale could be walked on. The day could go on. I took the kids to daycare, got gas for the car, and went to work. Walking into the lab was when sanity started to return - maybe ice would help. By lunchtime I was still icing my foot when Dada called. I declined a lunch outing due to my episode that morning and heard reason shouted in my ear: I heard a crack!

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. I called my mom to take me to the emergency clinic after Dada threatened to do it himself. I got x-rays, a dorsal fracture, a temporary splint, crutches, and appointment with an orthopedist for the next day*. The next day I got one of those "aircast" boots after another set of x-rays**, with instructions to avoid weight bearing on that foot at all costs. Hence, I was stuck at home for the long holiday weekend -and the following weeks - with Dada being superdad, superhusband and superscientist, and lots of help from my parents who even took the kids out of town for an entire day.

After spending the first week with my foot up or walking on crutches, I really hope the healing process will not take very long. And there is just so much work I can do from home, especially now that I finished the 1,000 Blast searches for our phylogeny paper. The doctor did mention I could be in a walking cast after 2 weeks, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. And I can hardly wait for Dada to get back. Did I mention that he had a conference this week too? I am very glad my parents are in town to help with the kids! This suppermommy is out of commission for a few weeks...



* my insurance is "great" so I needed 2 doctor visits to immobilize.
** didn't I say I had great insurance?

Month in review

First week. July was a month of visitations: we had relatives from Brazil and my in-laws in town. As much as I love my family dearly, it was nice to return to the peace and quiet of our everyday lives. The kids get a bit frantic from being off their normal schedule. Now they can settle into a more constant pattern of school days and home days, knowing what to expect.

I had spent the month of July delving into the notebooks of former students, many of which did not even sign their own name on them. I finally got the (published) experiments figured out and troubleshooted by the time August arrived. It was nice to have my new lab finally set up and be able to focus on experiments.

By the end of the week I got notice that we will be moving across the hall in September to make way for the chemical synthesis project that will be going on in our current lab. I also got a letter from the kids daycare saying they will be closing half an hour earlier, starting a week from now. We told the kids they might be changing school, to try to prepare them. We got two different responses: little brother continues to suck his thumb and assumes we know what we are doing, while big brother decides to make our life miserable in the meantime. There will be no peace this month...

Second week. Dada and I spent two mornings researching and visiting daycares that have extended hours. We really liked the accredited center a block from our house, so on the third day we took the kids for a visit. It went well, so I spent Thursday and Friday mornings there too - transitioning the kids to their new environment. They spent the mornings at the new school, then afternoons at the old one. Big brother is still acting up every morning, but once we get him clothed and in the car he behaves. I think he likes the new school, but after being at the same center for 3 years - since he was born! - the unfamiliarity of the new surroundings is a bit overwhelming.

Of course Mamae here is stressed out too, even re-living her own uprootings from way back when - creeping memories, hidden traumas... but I manage to get myself focused enough at work to keep my experiments going and plan out the new lab layout. I will miss having a window, but I will rejoice leaving the monster chemical hood (and all the noise it makes) behind.

Dada spends the weekend cleaning the house for the big party next week and clashing horns with our 3 year-old. From refusing to wear clothes to a hunger strike, we have a weekend as none before. As much as I remove baby brother from the arena, he gets stressed too. Or maybe more teeth are coming in to join the festivities...

Third week. The kids started officially at the new daycare, everybody is much calmer. We feel assured the change was for the better. Now Dada can focus on the grant he is writing and I can try to get as many experiments wrapped up before they start taking my benches apart.

We hosted a "welcome to grad school" party for Dada's department on Saturday. We had ~40 people over: faculty, students, postdocs and significant others. It is odd being binned with the latter when I was so used to being included in the middle two. I also find it amusing that many of our guests assumed that I did most of the prepping, when in fact all I did was buy the beer and make a salad - then spend the afternoon napping with the kids. The only compliments I did not refute were the ones concerning my well behaved kids. They are indeed a pleasure in company...

Fourth week is about to start... It seems like everything is back under control, but maybe it is too early to count victory. My lab move is scheduled for next week (or the following), so I can get a few more experiments done this week. I can also work on the review I should be writing.

Peace & quiet? I will not give up yet...

Summer thoughts

Ever since I finished my PhD five years ago, my research is not directly affected by the academic calendar - where the year is divided into three terms: football, spring and summer. Living in Florida, where we have warm weather 90% of the year, I can only tell that it is officially summer by the dwindling number of cars on the road when most of the students take off. But research never stops, and my husband and I managed to find a daycare for the kids that is open year-round (and almost all holidays) to avoid the summer lull. Hence, we can work most of the time and also take vacations at random times.

Many of our summer vacations were taken outside the university's official break weeks. Dada's teaching schedule is mainly a month out of a team-taught class, unless he offers a journal club. Mainly we need to plan around his field schedule. I still remember having to plan our wedding in Brazil in between pollinations and harvest. This year we went to Brazil for my grandfather's 96th birthday in mid-May, at the start of the summer term but before pollinations kicked in. Last year we went sailing with the kids on the Chesapeake Bay late August - fall semester had started but planting was done. A few years ago we went to England for a friend's wedding mid September and fall semester was in full swing.

It hit me today that, for the first time in my life, I am not associated with an academic institution. Nevertheless, as the academic calender has not affected my life in the last five years, I don't think I will notice much of a change. Living in a college town, I might still get caught up in the university schedule. However, working on the outskirts of town I might be able to ignore the hustle and bustle on campus. Maybe I'll even escape the football season pandemonium, but that might be hoping for too much...

The Unintentional Propagation of Gender Bias

It all started with pink shoes - sparkly pink sneakers to be exact. My oldest son asked to buy shoes at a store, instead of them coming in the mail. At the store, I made an off-hand comment about pink being a girl color and now I am bombarded daily with questions on the gender of every color and everything else. Having a 3 year old tell me I cannot do something because I am a girl would be less offensive if he was not my own son. Now I have to dig myself out of this hole...

I have nothing against men wearing pink - or skirts - or whatever else they feel like wearing. But my son is 3, and the kids at daycare are merciless. I would rather he decided to fight the stigma when he is mature enough not to fall for the teasing. Nowadays he seems to fall apart when someone calls him a baby...

Moreover, I do not think I am the only one pointing out differences between boys and girls. He is probably hearing things at school too. Unfortunately it is not just which line to get in to use the potty... Some days he comes home with statements such as "girls like princesses and boys like action figures". Then Dada jumps up and says that boys like princesses too - they marry them. My reply is that I like action figures too - Aquaman was always my favorite. My son looks puzzled - is it because he is trying to comprehend that boys and girls can like the same things or is he trying to figure out who Aquaman is?

But how can we teach children about gender without pointing out some differences? I worry that making gender distinctions will unintentionally propagate gender discrimination - biases that I feel affronted by in my adult life. The basics are easy: Dada is a boy, Mama is a girl. Only mommies have babies in their bellies. The rest seems like only personal preferences. Mama can use Dada's tools when she needs to, including the sharp saw - and the drill. She just cannot pee standing up...

Organic & Natural

Maybe I am biased, but somehow the word "organic" does not inspire me to think wholesome food thoughts. Maybe it is because of those months I spent in organic lab... Anyway, what I really do not understand is why organic has been equated with healthy to the point of all other foods being called unhealthy. I do agree that some of the more widely consumed foods are indeed bad for you - even without watching Super Size Me. I also understand that large quantities of chemicals are indeed used in conventional agriculture as pesticides and herbicides, which might not be very appetizing or healthy. And I will not deny that I am a proponent of genetic engineering as a solution to many agriculture problems. Nevertheless, I feel that this health food movement reminds me of the vegan craze I was exposed to in college. Even though I am not an avid meat-eater, I still favored a more balanced diet.

My main concerns with the organic label are exactly what they are advertising as better. I worry about the shelf-life and after-opened life time because of the lack of preservatives. I know how easily (and fast) my cell culture media gets contaminated - even in the fridge - if my sterile technique is not as careful as it should be. Unfortunately there is no biosafety cabinet in my kitchen... The lack of pesticides spark my suspicions, especially where fungi are concerned. Aflatoxins are the first things that comes to my mind when I see packages of organic nuts or grains. Advertisements for lack of pesticides in produce that do not have the organic label are even more disconcerting, as I know that phosphite fertilizers used in large quantities will have a fungicide effect - because it is toxic! And as it is not a pesticide per se, its use is not regulated as such. However, there are indeed some products that I prefer to buy organic. Yogurt for instance, even though it has nothing to do with the fact that it is organic but because it is the only kind available made with whole milk. I just make sure I pay attention to the sell by dates.

Another major concern I have with organic farming is the "free-ride" factor. Janet D. Stemwedel at Adventures in Science and Ethics has a great post on why by not vaccinating your children you are counting on the protection gained from the vaccinated population - and this only works if only a few cases are exempt. I think the same can be said for organic farming. As long as more than 95% of the farming area is using pesticides, there is a general protection that can be correlated to herd immunity. However, once that threshold is met, we might notice an increase in food poisoning. Then again, considering that only the top 5% of the population can probably afford organic food, we might be far from reaching that point.

The main argument here is not whether there should be an organic option, but that organic farming is not sustainable. It cannot be done in large scale and it depends on the pesticide use of its neighbors. The more I think about this, the more I understand the reluctance towards genetically modified foods. If indeed one can engineer resistance to major pests and pesticide use goes down, then this herd immunity will disappear. The farmers most affected by this will be the ones conforming to organic standards. However, this is not an argument we hear in the media - most of the discussions center on what is natural. As most people do not know where their food comes from or why it tastes the way it does, this argument seems to be valid enough. Yet food is not natural at all. On the other hand, snake poison is natural, but I would not want it in my food.

Modern crops were domesticated for consumption, and most of the preferred varieties are mutants. Corn (maize) does not resemble at all its wild ancestor teosinte, and sweet corn has mutations that prevent it from turning sugar into starch. Conventional breeding has taken advantages of naturally occurring mutations, but has also developed new varieties by crossing established crops with wild relatives. Wild tomato is poisonous, but it has been used to improve the crop by crossing it to edible varieties. As far as I know, the selection of favorable varieties involves looks, shelf-life during transport to consumers and how it tasted to the farmer. I do not think safety concerns are as stringent for new varieties as they are for transgenic crops, where the effect of the inserted gene needs to be assessed with respect to undesired changes to the plant. When you cross two plants their entire genomes are mixed, hence you cannot attribute the phenotype change to a particular gene without extensive analysis.

I do not believe there is much out there that is truly natural, whether it is at the major supermarket or the farmers market. Humankind has imposed its will on food, mainly to grantee its own survival. Maybe I am a skeptic, but the health food craze scares me a bit. I stick with fresh produce and cook from scratch because I believe it is better - but mostly because I can afford it and I take the time to put in the effort. I stay away from artificial flavorings and sweeteners mostly because they make me sick. I try not to be instigated by advertisement; fat-free candy still has way to much sugar, and sugar-free does not mean it is not sweetened. If you favor organic labeled food, go ahead and splurge for them - but I will find it very hypocritical if you pair an organic meal with a diet soda.