When a literary agent suggested a few months ago that I start my story earlier and give a sense of the characters' daily life before they set out on their adventure, I added an extra scene to the beginning of the novel. It seemed enough at the time, and I was still getting requests from other agents. Fast forward to my The Writer's Voice entry. Liz's advice resonated with what that first agent said. She encouraged me to add an extra chapter and suggested the hanging I mentioned during the dinner conversation as the opening scene.
The panic of attempting to write a chapter in a week lasted until I woke up in the middle of the night with the scene taking form in my head. The new chapter spilled out in two days, and I even had time to gather comments from my critique partners before I needed to send revision for the contest. This new chapter also gave me details to strengthen other scenes in the novel, making the revised version stronger and whole.
I could not have asked for better coaching. My revised query and first page were well received during the contest, and I am including it here to show the difference mentorship can make.
Query
Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula would rather drown like her brother than wed a conqueror who keeps trying to take her by force. Since these fair-skinned men arrived from across the sea, they’ve been wedding native women like Sophia’s mother to recruit laborers for their sugarcane fields. And the one after Sophia has the audacity to call himself her cousin.
To escape her arranged marriage and save her rainforest tribe from the conquering Easterners, Sophia sings awake the Water Goddess Ig. But Ig is more interested in Easterner fashion than the devastation of the rainforest and the tribes. Her advice is to seek another deity, the powerful Air Goddess who can bring freedom to the land.
With the help of her childhood friend Gavin and armed with the songs her grandmother taught her, Sophia braves the rainforest the Easterners keep burning. As they climb the equatorial snow-capped mountain in search of the Air Goddess, Gavin and Sophia's relationship warms as the temperature drops. But now marriage to her so-called cousin is the least of her worries. If she fails, Sophia’s tribe will perish at the hands of the conquerors who married into her family.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 74,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. This story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha series.
CHAPTER 1
Sophia
Only Uncle Hector would hang a man then go fishing.
The giant jatoba tree, where the noose is set, shades the corpse but doesn’t protect it from the heat. Winter is more merciful than the hellish summer of this land, but only slightly. Noon is fast approaching, and a stench of emptied bowels permeates the village like early morning fog. I press an arm over my nose and quicken my pace to the bakery ahead. At least there is some advantage to being forced to wear long sleeves in this weather.
Vultures circle the cloudless sky above the tree, but not even they dare to defy Uncle Hector. Why did Aryeea send me to the village now? I glance over my shoulder at the fortress’s four-story tower spiked on the Igjommi Hill. The fluttering white cloth, billowing like a sail in the valley breeze, can only be my grandmother’s skirt. Of course she’s watching me from the balcony.
I find the bakery door closed, so I shut it behind me. The warm scent of dough helps me ignore the heat. Steps approach from an inside room, and the baker’s rosy face beams at me as he ambles through the doorway.
“Lady Sophia.” He wipes his hands on his tunic. “What do you like today?”
I’d like someone to cut down that man and bury him before he rots. But if I voice the request, the baker will feel obliged to carry out the order. No need to tempt another hanging.
Showing posts with label novel sample. Show all posts
Showing posts with label novel sample. Show all posts
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
The Writer's Voice Blogfest
I am participating in The Writer's Voice 2015 Blogfest. You can check out the other entries here.
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula was raised among the foreigners, who wed native women like her mother to recruit their family for the sugarcane fields. Her fair, noble cousin is convinced marriage to Sophia will guarantee the prosperity of his barony, but she’d rather drown like her brother than wed someone who keeps trying to take her by force.
When her native grandmother entreats her to awaken Ig, the Water Goddess, and save the rainforest tribes from the conquering Easterners, Sophia leaps at the chance to flee her arranged marriage. No one has seen Ig since the blond invaders arrived from across the sea, but, disappointingly, the Goddess Sophia awakens is more interested in Easterner fashion than the devastation of the rainforest and the tribes.
Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophia, Ig’s advice is to seek another deity, a powerful Goddess no one knew existed. Ig’s quest will send Sophia deep into the rainforest the Easterners keep burning, and if she doesn’t succeed, marriage to her cousin will be the least of her worries. If she fails, Sophia’s tribe will perish at the hands of the conquerors who married into her family.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 71,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. This story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha series.
First page:
Silence settles over the great hall as four men bring forth a spitted manatee like pallbearers at a funeral. The five people seated for dinner occupy less space than the roasted beast. A charred leather stench arrives with the procession, and my stomach recoils as if it were a cornered rat scurrying against a wall.
Uncle Hector stands to inspect his catch then slices a sliver of pink meat from a gash in the thick skin. He chews ceremoniously while clear juices pool on the stone floor and neck muscles twitch on those supporting the beast’s weight. A nod of approval later, the roast is set on the table from which I wish I could flee.
Victor doesn’t ask if I want any meat before he serves me. "Quite the treat, isn’t it, Cousin?”
His childhood habit of stressing our familiarity is only less annoying than his determination to make me his wife. But the thought of wedding him does nothing to entice my appetite.
Grandmother Aryeea huffs from the head of the table opposite to my uncle. “Enough meat to feed two villages and it all got cooked at once. If I’d seen the animal, the cooks would have salted half. You said it was small.”
“There were larger ones in the river.” Uncle Hector, seated where Father should have been, serves his wife as if she were a princess from across the sea instead of a neighboring Baron’s daughter. Aunt Ana isn't allowed a knife either, even if she doesn't want to stab the man who cuts her meat.
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula was raised among the foreigners, who wed native women like her mother to recruit their family for the sugarcane fields. Her fair, noble cousin is convinced marriage to Sophia will guarantee the prosperity of his barony, but she’d rather drown like her brother than wed someone who keeps trying to take her by force.
When her native grandmother entreats her to awaken Ig, the Water Goddess, and save the rainforest tribes from the conquering Easterners, Sophia leaps at the chance to flee her arranged marriage. No one has seen Ig since the blond invaders arrived from across the sea, but, disappointingly, the Goddess Sophia awakens is more interested in Easterner fashion than the devastation of the rainforest and the tribes.
Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophia, Ig’s advice is to seek another deity, a powerful Goddess no one knew existed. Ig’s quest will send Sophia deep into the rainforest the Easterners keep burning, and if she doesn’t succeed, marriage to her cousin will be the least of her worries. If she fails, Sophia’s tribe will perish at the hands of the conquerors who married into her family.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 71,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. This story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha series.
First page:
Silence settles over the great hall as four men bring forth a spitted manatee like pallbearers at a funeral. The five people seated for dinner occupy less space than the roasted beast. A charred leather stench arrives with the procession, and my stomach recoils as if it were a cornered rat scurrying against a wall.
Uncle Hector stands to inspect his catch then slices a sliver of pink meat from a gash in the thick skin. He chews ceremoniously while clear juices pool on the stone floor and neck muscles twitch on those supporting the beast’s weight. A nod of approval later, the roast is set on the table from which I wish I could flee.
Victor doesn’t ask if I want any meat before he serves me. "Quite the treat, isn’t it, Cousin?”
His childhood habit of stressing our familiarity is only less annoying than his determination to make me his wife. But the thought of wedding him does nothing to entice my appetite.
Grandmother Aryeea huffs from the head of the table opposite to my uncle. “Enough meat to feed two villages and it all got cooked at once. If I’d seen the animal, the cooks would have salted half. You said it was small.”
“There were larger ones in the river.” Uncle Hector, seated where Father should have been, serves his wife as if she were a princess from across the sea instead of a neighboring Baron’s daughter. Aunt Ana isn't allowed a knife either, even if she doesn't want to stab the man who cuts her meat.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Query Blog Hop
I'm joining the query critique blog hop hosted by Michelle Hauck and Amy Trueblood. Any comments are appreciated.
Title: SHROUDED GODDESS
Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 68,000
35-word pitch: When Sophie, a seventeen-year-old of half-tribal descent, awakens the Water Goddess, she needs to use her new water-controlling powers to pacify both sides of her family, before her Easterner uncle kills off the rainforest tribes.
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula sings like a rainforest bird. She yearns for the close-knit families the local tribes enjoyed before the blond Easterners invaded from across the sea. But given her mixed descent, Sophie spends her days disguising her tribal heritage and fending off her noble cousin's groping.
To escape a forced marriage to her cousin, Sophie decides to flee with her childhood friend, even though her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie by publicly flogging him and executing his father for treason. But before they can leave her family’s sugarcane plantation, Sophie sings awake the Water Goddess who disappeared after the invasion. A Goddess who turns out to be more interested in Easterner fashion than what Sophie’s uncle is doing to the rainforest and the tribes.
Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophie, the deity’s advice is to seek help elsewhere. Now Sophie can’t just hide from her family and live a peaceful life with Gavin. Either she uses her new powers to confront the Easterners, or she seeks another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, and convinces her to bring peace to a land with more scars than Sophie’s uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 67,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha trilogy.
First 250 words:
I unlock my bedroom door with a hairpin and sneak out as soon as the hallway empties of gossiping maids and Uncle Hector's spies. Harp notes and laughter drift in the air from the festivities downstairs. But mingling with the drunken nobility without my grandmother’s protection will only get me married to my cousin by morning.
At the thought of Victor catching me alone by an alcove, my heartbeats fall off tempo with the secular music coming from the dining hall. I tighten the bows on my dress and try to ease the wild drumming in my chest. All I need is the unfinished tapestry I left in Aryeea’s room, to distract me so I won’t feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Flickering candlelight frames the doorway of my grandmother’s chamber, and I squeeze through the narrow opening to avoid announcing my presence with creaking hinges. Eyes closed and ocher-colored hands folded over her chest, Aryeea seems at peace on the four-poster bed my grandfather brought from across the sea. She’s only half the Baroness I knew in my childhood, but her dark hair is still as black as mine. Tribal blood pumps strong in our veins, no matter what we do to disguise our descent.
She’s so still. My throat constricts. The thought of never seeing my only ally again brings me shivers on this warm winter night. I’ll even miss the snapped orders she flings at me all day long.
“Sophia, stop viewing me. I’m not dead.”
Title: SHROUDED GODDESS
Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 68,000
35-word pitch: When Sophie, a seventeen-year-old of half-tribal descent, awakens the Water Goddess, she needs to use her new water-controlling powers to pacify both sides of her family, before her Easterner uncle kills off the rainforest tribes.
Query:
Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula sings like a rainforest bird. She yearns for the close-knit families the local tribes enjoyed before the blond Easterners invaded from across the sea. But given her mixed descent, Sophie spends her days disguising her tribal heritage and fending off her noble cousin's groping.
To escape a forced marriage to her cousin, Sophie decides to flee with her childhood friend, even though her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie by publicly flogging him and executing his father for treason. But before they can leave her family’s sugarcane plantation, Sophie sings awake the Water Goddess who disappeared after the invasion. A Goddess who turns out to be more interested in Easterner fashion than what Sophie’s uncle is doing to the rainforest and the tribes.
Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophie, the deity’s advice is to seek help elsewhere. Now Sophie can’t just hide from her family and live a peaceful life with Gavin. Either she uses her new powers to confront the Easterners, or she seeks another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, and convinces her to bring peace to a land with more scars than Sophie’s uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 67,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha trilogy.
First 250 words:
I unlock my bedroom door with a hairpin and sneak out as soon as the hallway empties of gossiping maids and Uncle Hector's spies. Harp notes and laughter drift in the air from the festivities downstairs. But mingling with the drunken nobility without my grandmother’s protection will only get me married to my cousin by morning.
At the thought of Victor catching me alone by an alcove, my heartbeats fall off tempo with the secular music coming from the dining hall. I tighten the bows on my dress and try to ease the wild drumming in my chest. All I need is the unfinished tapestry I left in Aryeea’s room, to distract me so I won’t feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Flickering candlelight frames the doorway of my grandmother’s chamber, and I squeeze through the narrow opening to avoid announcing my presence with creaking hinges. Eyes closed and ocher-colored hands folded over her chest, Aryeea seems at peace on the four-poster bed my grandfather brought from across the sea. She’s only half the Baroness I knew in my childhood, but her dark hair is still as black as mine. Tribal blood pumps strong in our veins, no matter what we do to disguise our descent.
She’s so still. My throat constricts. The thought of never seeing my only ally again brings me shivers on this warm winter night. I’ll even miss the snapped orders she flings at me all day long.
“Sophia, stop viewing me. I’m not dead.”
Monday, August 12, 2013
The evolution of a first page
The first page of THE LEGACY OF THE EYE has changed quite bit since I first started writing the novel. Some writers begin too early and need to cut several pages before they find the engaging start. My problem seems to be the opposite. The original opening I wrote is now on page 152.
What I thought was back story that could be given in short flashbacks was actually the inciting incident and first major plot point. Apparently, I started writing the story from the mid-point. Hence, I had to work my way forward and backward, to the beginning and end. And even after I thought I had a complete story, I realized I was not beginning with a hook. So I added an extra scene.
My new first page is below. You can compare it with the previous version here. Feedback is always appreciated.
CHAPTER 1
David: Proposal
It might have been a symbolic gesture, but I was not budging. My hand covered the keypad inside the traveling pod as I faced the old instructor standing next to me. "Come on, Max. We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?"
Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black outfit, the short instructor obscured the pod's doorway. "The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."
Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years? "We've earned the distinction."
"Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out," Max said.
We probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.
Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."
"Tell him that."
"You're only making him more stubborn, Max," she said. "You know we have no reason to run away."
The instructor hesitated. Would he make us miss our appointment with the council? He knew Cat and I could not navigate the maze of buildings to get to the gates--even disregarding the risk of being detained as soon as we left the governance complex. Our gray uniforms would give us away as soon as we stepped outside because students were not allowed to leave their home departments. How long would it take to convince every instructor in our path that we had an appointment with the council? We had one, not fourteen daylight hours to reach the government building.
What I thought was back story that could be given in short flashbacks was actually the inciting incident and first major plot point. Apparently, I started writing the story from the mid-point. Hence, I had to work my way forward and backward, to the beginning and end. And even after I thought I had a complete story, I realized I was not beginning with a hook. So I added an extra scene.
My new first page is below. You can compare it with the previous version here. Feedback is always appreciated.
CHAPTER 1
David: Proposal
It might have been a symbolic gesture, but I was not budging. My hand covered the keypad inside the traveling pod as I faced the old instructor standing next to me. "Come on, Max. We're leaving the school anyway, why not let me punch the code?"
Arms crossed over his loose-fitting black outfit, the short instructor obscured the pod's doorway. "The council should have made you wait until after graduation like everyone else."
Cat and I had been confined in the school since we were two. What difference would two weeks make after sixteen years? "We've earned the distinction."
"Next you'll ask to stop for a black uniform on the way out," Max said.
We probably earned that too, but I knew how to pick my battles.
Cat's hand pressed my shoulder. "David, we'll be late."
"Tell him that."
"You're only making him more stubborn, Max," she said. "You know we have no reason to run away."
The instructor hesitated. Would he make us miss our appointment with the council? He knew Cat and I could not navigate the maze of buildings to get to the gates--even disregarding the risk of being detained as soon as we left the governance complex. Our gray uniforms would give us away as soon as we stepped outside because students were not allowed to leave their home departments. How long would it take to convince every instructor in our path that we had an appointment with the council? We had one, not fourteen daylight hours to reach the government building.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Change in perspective
Last week I received a request to revise THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, changing the novel from third person to first. I thought rewriting the first chapter would be a useful exercise, so here is the revised version of the first page I posted last month:
Chapter 1--Catrine's POV
The front entrance of the Academy of Demia loomed beyond a hundred feet of gravel. Just the thought of exiting through those gates for the first time churned my empty stomach. My eyes adjusted to the brightness outside the main school building. I should have brought a hat.
The heavy pine door slammed shut behind me and I turned toward David. After sixteen years at the Academy, my best friend looked ready to conquer the galaxy.
"Relax, Cat," he said.
How? Like all children on the planet, I had not left the school since my enrollment at the age of two. Everything familiar was behind us and our future hinged on how well we could argue for the Tutor Program.
"Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," I said.
David's smile dimmed. "Five times today isn’t enough?"
"Four. And you're still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to their pupil's home planet. That's a big point in the proposal."
"Do you want to give the speech?"
I bit the inside of my lower lip. "No."
"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn't liked our idea, they wouldn't have requested an audience."
"They probably read the proposal once. How much do you think they grasped? You've read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it."
David's smile returned, brighter than ever. "Then it wouldn't have been perfect."
"Or written at all." But I could not keep the corners of my mouth from twitching.
----
I did not notice much difference, but, just for fun, I decided to try the same chapter in David's perspective:
Chapter 1--David's POV
I pulled the handle of the heavy pine door and let the afternoon light spill into the main building of the Academy of Demia. Cat walked out first, but stalled at the front steps, not quite blocking my view of the gates.
She turned towards me when the door slammed. "We forgot our hats."
"No time to go back." It had taken us twenty minutes to get here from our department.
Her forehead creased. "David--"
"Relax."
I knew she was not ready to leave the school, even after sixteen years. I should have agreed to let her wait in the Governance Department, but I wanted her by my side while I defended the proposal for the Tutor Program. This was our project. We needed to celebrate its success together.
"Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," she said.
"Five times today isn’t enough?"
"Four. And you're still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to their pupil's home planet. That's a big point in the proposal."
"Do you want to give the speech?"
Her lower lip quivered. "No."
"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn't liked our idea, they wouldn't have requested an audience."
"They probably read the proposal once. How much do you think they grasped? You've read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it."
I grinned. "Then it wouldn't have been perfect."
"Or written at all."
----
And now I think I need to rewrite the entire novel...
Chapter 1--Catrine's POV
The front entrance of the Academy of Demia loomed beyond a hundred feet of gravel. Just the thought of exiting through those gates for the first time churned my empty stomach. My eyes adjusted to the brightness outside the main school building. I should have brought a hat.
The heavy pine door slammed shut behind me and I turned toward David. After sixteen years at the Academy, my best friend looked ready to conquer the galaxy.
"Relax, Cat," he said.
How? Like all children on the planet, I had not left the school since my enrollment at the age of two. Everything familiar was behind us and our future hinged on how well we could argue for the Tutor Program.
"Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," I said.
David's smile dimmed. "Five times today isn’t enough?"
"Four. And you're still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to their pupil's home planet. That's a big point in the proposal."
"Do you want to give the speech?"
I bit the inside of my lower lip. "No."
"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn't liked our idea, they wouldn't have requested an audience."
"They probably read the proposal once. How much do you think they grasped? You've read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it."
David's smile returned, brighter than ever. "Then it wouldn't have been perfect."
"Or written at all." But I could not keep the corners of my mouth from twitching.
----
I did not notice much difference, but, just for fun, I decided to try the same chapter in David's perspective:
Chapter 1--David's POV
I pulled the handle of the heavy pine door and let the afternoon light spill into the main building of the Academy of Demia. Cat walked out first, but stalled at the front steps, not quite blocking my view of the gates.
She turned towards me when the door slammed. "We forgot our hats."
"No time to go back." It had taken us twenty minutes to get here from our department.
Her forehead creased. "David--"
"Relax."
I knew she was not ready to leave the school, even after sixteen years. I should have agreed to let her wait in the Governance Department, but I wanted her by my side while I defended the proposal for the Tutor Program. This was our project. We needed to celebrate its success together.
"Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," she said.
"Five times today isn’t enough?"
"Four. And you're still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to their pupil's home planet. That's a big point in the proposal."
"Do you want to give the speech?"
Her lower lip quivered. "No."
"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn't liked our idea, they wouldn't have requested an audience."
"They probably read the proposal once. How much do you think they grasped? You've read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it."
I grinned. "Then it wouldn't have been perfect."
"Or written at all."
----
And now I think I need to rewrite the entire novel...
Monday, May 13, 2013
Opening: THE LEGACY OF THE EYE
I'm joining the It's all in the voice blog hop. Here is the first page of my science fiction romance THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, currently at the querying stage. (Thanks for the comments, revisions are in blue)
Chapter 1--Proposal
The front entrance of the Academy of Demia loomed beyond a hundred feetsea of gravel, less than a hundred feet away. Just the thought of exiting walking through those gates for the first time churned Catrine's empty stomach. Her eyes adjusted to the brightness outside the main school building. She should have worn a hat.
The heavy pine door slammed shut behind Catrine and she turned toward David. After sixteen years at the Academy, her best friend looked ready to conquer the galaxy.
"Relax," he said.
How? Like all children on the planet, Catrine had not left the school since her enrollment at the age of two. Everything familiar was behind them and their future hinged on how well they could argue for the Tutor Program.
"Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," she said.
David's smile dimmed. "Five times today isn’t enough?""We went over it five times just today."
"Four. And you're still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to their pupil's home planet. That's a big point in the proposal."
"Do you want to give the speech?"
She bit the inside of her lower lip.Her inside twisted in knots. "No."
"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn't liked our idea, they wouldn't have requested an audience."
"They probably read the proposal once. How much do you think they grasped? You've read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it."
David's smile returned, brighter than ever. "Then it wouldn't have been perfect."
"Or written at all." But Catrine could not keep the corners of her mouth from twitching.
Chapter 1--Proposal
The front entrance of the Academy of Demia loomed beyond a hundred feet
The heavy pine door slammed shut behind Catrine and she turned toward David. After sixteen years at the Academy, her best friend looked ready to conquer the galaxy.
"Relax," he said.
How? Like all children on the planet, Catrine had not left the school since her enrollment at the age of two. Everything familiar was behind them and their future hinged on how well they could argue for the Tutor Program.
"Maybe we should go over your speech one more time," she said.
David's smile dimmed. "Five times today isn’t enough?"
"Four. And you're still forgetting to mention that the tutors will be traveling to their pupil's home planet. That's a big point in the proposal."
"Do you want to give the speech?"
She bit the inside of her lower lip.
"Then stop fretting. If the council hadn't liked our idea, they wouldn't have requested an audience."
"They probably read the proposal once. How much do you think they grasped? You've read it a dozen times and you still forget some of the details. I should have made you write it."
David's smile returned, brighter than ever. "Then it wouldn't have been perfect."
"Or written at all." But Catrine could not keep the corners of her mouth from twitching.
Opening: DEAR KATHERINE
I'm joining the It's all in the voice blog hop. Here is the first page of my unfinished novel DEAR KATHERINE, a science fiction/women's fiction hybrid. (Thanks for the comments, revisions are in blue)
Update: This won Honorable Mention :)
Chapter 1--Millanos
My life began the day I left schoolturned eighteen and fell off a planet for the first time. Up until then I left school, I hadn't lived started living--I had just existed.
By the time I landed on Millanos, I was thirty two. I had fallen on and off most of the colonized planets in the Tetracoil Galaxy. But even after fourteen years, I still felt exhilarated every time the synchrotron powered down and gravity took hold of the spacecraft. The adrenalin rush from those seven minutes of free-fall, not knowing if the hovering jets would engage in time, lasted me days.
My heart was still racing when the hatch opened and fresh air rushed into the dehydrated passenger cabin. I smelled brine in the air--my first greeting from Millanos. I unfastened the straps holding me to the seat and stretched my back. Through the internal passageway, I could see the three pilots moving around the cockpit. One of these days, I would learn to fly just to be able to ride in the front seats. But first I had nine more planets to visit and Millanos was just a few steps away.
I collected the single duffle that contained all my possessions and shouted a “thank you” toward the cockpit. I had paid them in advance, so there was no point in disturbing their crosscheck protocol. And after six and a half hours in the confined cabin, I was more than ready to be outside. That wormhole was a long one.
Update: This won Honorable Mention :)
Chapter 1--Millanos
My life began the day I left school
By the time I landed on Millanos, I was thirty two. I had fallen on and off most of the colonized planets in the Tetracoil Galaxy. But even after fourteen years, I still felt exhilarated every time the synchrotron powered down and gravity took hold of the spacecraft. The adrenalin rush from those seven minutes of free-fall, not knowing if the hover
My heart was still racing when the hatch opened and fresh air rushed into the dehydrated passenger cabin. I smelled brine in the air--my first greeting from Millanos. I unfastened the straps holding me to the seat and stretched my back. Through the internal passageway, I could see the three pilots moving around the cockpit. One of these days, I would learn to fly just to be able to ride in the front seats. But first I had nine more planets to visit and Millanos was just a few steps away.
I collected the single duffle that contained all my possessions and shouted a “thank you” toward the cockpit. I had paid them in advance, so there was no point in disturbing their crosscheck protocol. And after six and a half hours in the confined cabin, I was more than ready to be outside. That wormhole was a long one.
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