My Favorite Things

Well thought ideas that bring in grant money
Good looking data is sweeter than honey
Challenging projects that come out in print
These are a few of my favorite things

Heated discussions at GRC meetings
Puzzles and models damn right down intriguing
Smart people talking and networking
These are a few of my favorite things

PCR products that clone on first trying
Wacky ideas that set my thoughts flying
Brand new equipment for highthroughputing
These are a few of my favorite things

When the gel cracks
When the lab stinks
When the data is crap
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so mad

Here is some help on the sing-along:
(If you haven't heard much Pomplamoose, check them out here.)

Docking at low tide

A loss, even when expected, is still a loss.

My grandfather was in the hospital for the past few weeks, battling a pneumonia that would not respond to antibiotics. At 96, the effort to heal exhausted him and breathing became difficult. To ease his suffering, he was sedated and put on a respirator for the past week. He continued to heal, and we waited. The sadness and anxiety were overwhelming at times - especially across the equator. The fear of not seeing him again, or hearing his voice on the phone while he tried to get a word in between my grandmother's chatter, constricted my throat and sent tears to my eyes. But we should not mourn the living...

The image that came to me again and again this past week was of our sailing trip last year. We spent a week sailing on the Chesapeake Bay with my in-laws. On the last day the wind waned and to make it to harbor at a decent time to drive back to their house, we brought down the sails and motored home. When we arrived the tide was too low to dock, so we sat in the cockpit waiting for the tide to rise enough to get into our slip. We could have been sailing, we should have been on our way home... Instead we were siting around waiting.

Waiting... and thinking - this week in the same manner, not at sea and not at dock. I have been remembering the good moments spent with my grandfather: how happy he was at my wedding; how he enjoyed his last visit to the US, just in time for the birth of my oldest son. I am immensely gratified that Dada and I were able to take the kids to see him in Brazil last May, and celebrate together his 96th birthday. He was having a great year, all four of his great-grandchildren came to visit! Yesterday the doctors decided to take my grandfather off his sedatives and give him a chance to wake up. However, he did not make it - he could not breath on his own. The mingled feeling of sadness and relief can be both numbing and overwhelming. I alternate from a state of tears to a sense of peace in minutes.

He had a life worth remembering, even if all I have are snippets of it in my mind: A veterinarian who hated cats & dogs. He married my grandmother in an arranged marriage, 13 years her senior - she accepted him because he liked tomatoes. He walked around the neighborhood daily, stopping to pull off vines and low branches from the trees in his path to help them grow. He saw a brother exiled for 15 years due to the military dictatorship that took over Brazil, when our famous scientists were kicked out of the country. After he retired he started compiling the history of veterinarians in Brazil, backwards through time - when he reached the early days of colonization he moved on to the rest of South America. He outlived both older and younger brothers. He lived a long life, embraced in a tight-knit family - even when spread across the globe.

After his 96 years of sailing through life, it was time to dock with the tide...

A small collection of forks

Looking back into my early years, there were not many major decisions I had to make, but they most definitely had a distinct impact on how my life has turned out. There were a few major forks in my path, some minor ones, and those daily decisions that can go unnoticed. As much as I am convinced I took the best path, there is no telling if going the other way would have had a positive or negative effect on my life. Albeit, it would certainly be a different life...

My strategy for deciding which path to follow also varied greatly depending on the situation. Most of the time I followed my 80% rule, including the stroll I am taking through the family lane. Nevertheless, some forks presented agonizing choices, which at the time needed stringent consideration and/or alternative tactics. When faced with the decision to continue my education in the US or return to Brazil, I settled the debate with a gamble. When deciding where to pursue my PhD, I followed my heart. In both cases I never looked back, and probably would have made the same choices if faced with similar options.

However, many of the minor choices I made hardly seemed like there was anything to consider at the time, but now I can see how I could have followed a hidden path. The one that comes to mind these days relates to when I fell in love with history of science as a junior in college. I felt that it was too late to become a history major - I was set on a career in biology since high-school. I vaguely remember considering a change of path, but not more than making an off-hand comment to my parents on the phone. Once my Dad pointed out that I could enjoy history as a hobby but that biology was a full-time deal, I was back in gear towards the career I had sought out to pursue. I am happy with my choice, but I always think of history as a "plan B". If I ever need a change... Amazingly, going back to school and taking a different path does not seem scary at all.

Life as my alter-ego

I wrote a short story while in college about a girl who switches places with her alter-ego for a day. They go about their day as they would normally, but their different attitudes impact their surroundings. They slightly modify each other's life, mainly by creating or dismissing opportunities. I was trying to work out that the little things in daily life could have an impact in my future just as much as the big decisions I made. These small doors that open and shut each day, and go mostly unnoticed...

My major goal in college was to turn into the person I wanted to be - not only heading towards a carrier in science, but also stepping out of the shy and introverted persona I had acquired through middle- and high-school. I wanted to stop living in my mind: I wanted to be the person who lived in my mind - the one who did the same things but differently...

Looking back, the turning point happened after I took a philosophy course. I felt lost as the physical world crumbled around me. Like Sophie, my mind opened up to the possibilities and nothing seemed real anymore. It took me a week or two to recover from that surreal experience, but the person who stepped back into the world was not the one who left it. I was more attuned to the world around me and more proactive.

Some days I still wonder where I would be if I had made different choices, but I don't regret any of the ones I made. The scenarios that pop into my head are not any more enticing than the world in which I live. The things I would have to do without are more important to me than what I would maybe gain. But it is still fun to think about the possibilities, and what life would be like as my alter-ego...

And then I heard crack...

I am sure many, if not all, working mothers have these moments. The ones where you are trying to do everything. The days you forget that supermom does not exist. In this particular case, I was trying to hold up the fort so that Dada could get off to work early. He had a huge multicollaborator multinational grant due and labor day weekend was coming up - 3 days without daycare...

So there I was going through the motions of getting the kids to daycare and myself to work, while cleaning up after breakfast and starting laundry. I got the kids downstairs and was putting on their shoes when I noticed I had socks for the wrong boy and was missing a sippy cup. So I tell them I will be right back, run up the stairs, gather what I am missing, and run back - all before the little one can get to the second steps. That is when I panicked - and supermom should never panic.

Baby brother can climb the whole staircase, but he gets so excited that he tends to stand up and say "yay" after every step - potentially falling backwards. Hence, I rushed to get around big brother, who was trying to keep little brother sitting, so I could be behind the little one if he tipped backwards. In my rush I jumped over the last step and heard a crack when my foot hit the tile floor. Fortunately, I did not panic then.

I sat down. I took a deep breath. The kids sat with me. I was asked "Are you OK Mamãe"? I took a deep breath. I got their shoes on. Big brother asked if he could "kiss and make it better". Its healing powers are amazing... I was up - with a bit of pain, but it was bearable. A 2 on the 1-10 scale could be walked on. The day could go on. I took the kids to daycare, got gas for the car, and went to work. Walking into the lab was when sanity started to return - maybe ice would help. By lunchtime I was still icing my foot when Dada called. I declined a lunch outing due to my episode that morning and heard reason shouted in my ear: I heard a crack!

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. I called my mom to take me to the emergency clinic after Dada threatened to do it himself. I got x-rays, a dorsal fracture, a temporary splint, crutches, and appointment with an orthopedist for the next day*. The next day I got one of those "aircast" boots after another set of x-rays**, with instructions to avoid weight bearing on that foot at all costs. Hence, I was stuck at home for the long holiday weekend -and the following weeks - with Dada being superdad, superhusband and superscientist, and lots of help from my parents who even took the kids out of town for an entire day.

After spending the first week with my foot up or walking on crutches, I really hope the healing process will not take very long. And there is just so much work I can do from home, especially now that I finished the 1,000 Blast searches for our phylogeny paper. The doctor did mention I could be in a walking cast after 2 weeks, so I am keeping my fingers crossed. And I can hardly wait for Dada to get back. Did I mention that he had a conference this week too? I am very glad my parents are in town to help with the kids! This suppermommy is out of commission for a few weeks...



* my insurance is "great" so I needed 2 doctor visits to immobilize.
** didn't I say I had great insurance?

Month in review

First week. July was a month of visitations: we had relatives from Brazil and my in-laws in town. As much as I love my family dearly, it was nice to return to the peace and quiet of our everyday lives. The kids get a bit frantic from being off their normal schedule. Now they can settle into a more constant pattern of school days and home days, knowing what to expect.

I had spent the month of July delving into the notebooks of former students, many of which did not even sign their own name on them. I finally got the (published) experiments figured out and troubleshooted by the time August arrived. It was nice to have my new lab finally set up and be able to focus on experiments.

By the end of the week I got notice that we will be moving across the hall in September to make way for the chemical synthesis project that will be going on in our current lab. I also got a letter from the kids daycare saying they will be closing half an hour earlier, starting a week from now. We told the kids they might be changing school, to try to prepare them. We got two different responses: little brother continues to suck his thumb and assumes we know what we are doing, while big brother decides to make our life miserable in the meantime. There will be no peace this month...

Second week. Dada and I spent two mornings researching and visiting daycares that have extended hours. We really liked the accredited center a block from our house, so on the third day we took the kids for a visit. It went well, so I spent Thursday and Friday mornings there too - transitioning the kids to their new environment. They spent the mornings at the new school, then afternoons at the old one. Big brother is still acting up every morning, but once we get him clothed and in the car he behaves. I think he likes the new school, but after being at the same center for 3 years - since he was born! - the unfamiliarity of the new surroundings is a bit overwhelming.

Of course Mamae here is stressed out too, even re-living her own uprootings from way back when - creeping memories, hidden traumas... but I manage to get myself focused enough at work to keep my experiments going and plan out the new lab layout. I will miss having a window, but I will rejoice leaving the monster chemical hood (and all the noise it makes) behind.

Dada spends the weekend cleaning the house for the big party next week and clashing horns with our 3 year-old. From refusing to wear clothes to a hunger strike, we have a weekend as none before. As much as I remove baby brother from the arena, he gets stressed too. Or maybe more teeth are coming in to join the festivities...

Third week. The kids started officially at the new daycare, everybody is much calmer. We feel assured the change was for the better. Now Dada can focus on the grant he is writing and I can try to get as many experiments wrapped up before they start taking my benches apart.

We hosted a "welcome to grad school" party for Dada's department on Saturday. We had ~40 people over: faculty, students, postdocs and significant others. It is odd being binned with the latter when I was so used to being included in the middle two. I also find it amusing that many of our guests assumed that I did most of the prepping, when in fact all I did was buy the beer and make a salad - then spend the afternoon napping with the kids. The only compliments I did not refute were the ones concerning my well behaved kids. They are indeed a pleasure in company...

Fourth week is about to start... It seems like everything is back under control, but maybe it is too early to count victory. My lab move is scheduled for next week (or the following), so I can get a few more experiments done this week. I can also work on the review I should be writing.

Peace & quiet? I will not give up yet...