There are some things you just do not wake up one day and decide to do. I never decided to be a scientist. I liked biology and math, so biology seemed like the logical major to follow. I also liked history, but my attraction to history seemed more of a hobby than a profession. I enjoyed doing research in the lab, so I continued that type of work all these years.
I never woke up one day and decided to write a novel. I did wake up many times in college with stories in my head that just needed to make their way into my journals. I needed to stop thinking about them and writing them down was the quickest way to get closure. However, one of those short stories kept nudging my mind like a recurring dream for years. I started giving it a setting to flourish and before I realized it I had created a world for it to inhabit - not just a planet but a whole galaxy.
It took me years to take those words out of the journal and type them. It took me months to fill in the gaps and create the whole picture. And now there are seventy five thousand words staring at me. Twice the length of my dissertation.Where it goes from here only time will tell. There is a whole new world I now need to investigate.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Monday, December 12, 2011
The big puzzle
I was trying to think of what made me decide to be a scientist, and I just drew a blank. I do not ever remember having big ambitions; just a feeling that I could contribute to solving a piece of the puzzle. I always thought that life - the big picture - was a puzzle that could be solved a piece at a time as long as there were enough people willing to try.
In my opinion that is what scientists do: they figure things out, they learn about the unknown and make them known. For me it is not about the prizes or the recognition, but the small discoveries that help advance the process. The small triumphs of finding a piece that was not there before, or removing one that was placed wrong.
Throughout the last fifteen years I have been one of the scientist working on this project. I have been contributing little pieces to different parts of the big puzzle; albeit enjoying the challenges much more than the frustrations.The actual pieces have been very diverse, but I am sure they will all fit together at some point. Maybe it will not be in my lifetime, but one day I am certain they will.
In my opinion that is what scientists do: they figure things out, they learn about the unknown and make them known. For me it is not about the prizes or the recognition, but the small discoveries that help advance the process. The small triumphs of finding a piece that was not there before, or removing one that was placed wrong.
Throughout the last fifteen years I have been one of the scientist working on this project. I have been contributing little pieces to different parts of the big puzzle; albeit enjoying the challenges much more than the frustrations.The actual pieces have been very diverse, but I am sure they will all fit together at some point. Maybe it will not be in my lifetime, but one day I am certain they will.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Not here, not there -- where?
It has been a busy year for everyone and, until we figure out how to be in more than one place at once, there will always be a place where we cannot be. As September arrived before I expected and my turn to host the Scientiae Carnival came up, my question was where has everyone not been?
Karina, of Ruminations of an Aspiring Ecologist, has been doing field work for over a year and is ready to not be there anymore. She is desperately trying to finish collecting data for her Ph.D. so she can go home to write her dissertation. She has special plans for the final stages of her Ph.D. and it includes having a kid. Another Ph.D. student, Rowena of PhD Journey: fire, kids, erosion, turned the final stage of her Ph.D. into a vacation by treating herself to a writing retreat.
Science Girl has been in a spinning wheel of work and family obligations and she feels that she is not fully anywhere -- with a toddler in tow. Another toddler mom, Melissa of Confused at a Higher Level, has a list of all the choices of where not to be she had to make this past month. She also has a great parody of Green Eggs and Ham; my favorite part is:
Karina, of Ruminations of an Aspiring Ecologist, has been doing field work for over a year and is ready to not be there anymore. She is desperately trying to finish collecting data for her Ph.D. so she can go home to write her dissertation. She has special plans for the final stages of her Ph.D. and it includes having a kid. Another Ph.D. student, Rowena of PhD Journey: fire, kids, erosion, turned the final stage of her Ph.D. into a vacation by treating herself to a writing retreat.
Removing all extraneous workloads such as cleaning, cooking and kid wrangling frees the mind for flowing words and thoughtful ideas.If you are not convinced by this idea, check out her photos and I believe you will change your mind. Speaking of photos, Alyssa, of Apple Pie and The Universe, said she discovered that she has not been 22 for ten years and was surprised to realize she looks older than she feels.
Science Girl has been in a spinning wheel of work and family obligations and she feels that she is not fully anywhere -- with a toddler in tow. Another toddler mom, Melissa of Confused at a Higher Level, has a list of all the choices of where not to be she had to make this past month. She also has a great parody of Green Eggs and Ham; my favorite part is:
There is but only one of me,Penny sent me a link to her friend's blog who suffers from an unknown medical condition, the name of which is just not there. The search for this elusive name has even directed her career choices and hobbies. Biochem Belle talks about juggling at work and having to put her hobbies, such as blogging, on a halt to focus on all the other things that are going on.
I can’t do more, oh don’t you see.
I cannot be both here and there,
I simply can’t be everywhere.
There are many days that I wish I had more time (or minions) so I could do more. With the amount of work I’m juggling, sometimes a ball drops—some experiment is postponed, the apartment isn’t cleaned as well as I’d like, my husband and I forfeit a day together…Likewise, I have not been blogging over here very much, but for the opposite reason. In the past I have mostly posted here when I am stressed, but nowadays it has been hard to put the stress into words. Instead, I have been letting the other side of my brain express itself and distract me so I can focus on the everyday tasks instead of worrying about past, present and future. As experiments get more and more frustrating, most of my accomplishments are at my other blog. Some days I worry my hobbies are taking over my life, other days I think I am OK with that.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Thoughts on Change
Today I had a serving of philosophy for breakfast. My almost 5 year-old was asking me if Luke in Star Wars Episode IV is the same person as Luke in Episode VI. He thinks they are different because he changed. I had to agree, as I do not think I am the same person I was years ago... and somehow I see less change in the mirror than when I look beyond it. If I try to pinpoint when or why it happened I draw a blank. As far as I can tell marriage didn't change me, neither did motherhood, but at some point last year I noticed I was thinking different thoughts.
I remember having a conversation with Dada about five years ago, while he was struggling with his tenure track position, where he was pointing out to me that he had enough other interests that if he did not make it in science he could do other things in life. I clearly remember thinking that for me it would be impossible to conceive a different route. I could not even envision the "not making it" part. When last year it hit me that I had left academia, without realizing it, I was struck for the first time with ideas of an alternate path. I also realized last year that I had interests outside of science, and my hobbies started shaping my thoughts to different ventures.
I would not go so far as to say I am disheartened with science and I am looking for a way out. I still love research and putting pieces together to solve scientific puzzles. I just do not want to do it all the time anymore. What I noticed is that there is more to me than just science. I am striving to seek balance in my life and incorporate all these newly discovered parts of me into a harmonious whole.
Dada seems to think that this is just a "35-year-old crisis" and everyone goes through it. Maybe it is... maybe it will pass. Or maybe it is one of those checkpoints in life where you are supposed to reassess your priorities and direction in order to move on to the next phase of your life. However, even if the outcome is constant and there is no change in direction, there are no guarantees that the subtle changes acquired during this period will not have marking effects later on. Only time will tell...
I remember having a conversation with Dada about five years ago, while he was struggling with his tenure track position, where he was pointing out to me that he had enough other interests that if he did not make it in science he could do other things in life. I clearly remember thinking that for me it would be impossible to conceive a different route. I could not even envision the "not making it" part. When last year it hit me that I had left academia, without realizing it, I was struck for the first time with ideas of an alternate path. I also realized last year that I had interests outside of science, and my hobbies started shaping my thoughts to different ventures.
I would not go so far as to say I am disheartened with science and I am looking for a way out. I still love research and putting pieces together to solve scientific puzzles. I just do not want to do it all the time anymore. What I noticed is that there is more to me than just science. I am striving to seek balance in my life and incorporate all these newly discovered parts of me into a harmonious whole.
Dada seems to think that this is just a "35-year-old crisis" and everyone goes through it. Maybe it is... maybe it will pass. Or maybe it is one of those checkpoints in life where you are supposed to reassess your priorities and direction in order to move on to the next phase of your life. However, even if the outcome is constant and there is no change in direction, there are no guarantees that the subtle changes acquired during this period will not have marking effects later on. Only time will tell...
Monday, November 29, 2010
Career Seminar
While attending a Gordon conference last June, I was approached by a graduate student and invited to give a seminar at their institution. However, I was not invited to give a science talk, but a career talk. Apparently, doing research at a non-profit organization is a career path with which not many people are familiar. To be honest, I never considered it until I was offered this position...
Even though I was very familiar with research when I started my graduate studies, I was never doubtful that I would follow the academic path. All the discussions I had with other students always referred to the age long debate between academia and industry. Hence, I was naively convinced that if I wanted to do basic science instead of having my research dictated by stakeholders, navigating through the academic pipeline was my only option. For me, alternatives comprised choosing between small or large settings -- such as teaching colleges and R01 Universities. The doubt was always the ratio between teaching and research.
Somewhere during my graduate studies, I realized that the scientific universe was not so black and white. I became aware of government laboratories and research institutes, both linked and independent from academic institutions. Not to mention start-up companies -- in contrast to large corporations whose name are easy to recognize. As I was set on bench science, I never investigated any of the alternative careers in law, business or journalism. However, it was not until my postdoc options started waning -- mostly due to family constraints -- that I started questioning my true options. And when I thought my options were truly dim, a new path arose from an unforeseen quarter: a non-profit research center.
When I thought of non-profits, the image that came to my mind was humanitarian organizations and NGOs -- not laboratory research. After investigating the topic, I realized that large research institutes such as Scripps fall under this category. I also became aware not only that there are several large institutes spread around the country, but that there are also small ones whose names are mostly unknown. Nevertheless, the parallel in the for-profit world is very clear: big companies started out as small companies -- and there are many small start-up companies out there.
Hence, I am heading out this week to tell a group of graduate students and postdocs that there are small non-profit research centers out there. Places where one can do a postdoc or even find a more long-term position. Places where you can do science at a more independent level, as long as you can bring in funding for your research -- which is also true in academia. It is not a career that would suit many people, as it requires independence and self-motivation in high levels and comprises a degree of isolation. Nonetheless, it is worth including as a career option and students should know we exist.
Even though I was very familiar with research when I started my graduate studies, I was never doubtful that I would follow the academic path. All the discussions I had with other students always referred to the age long debate between academia and industry. Hence, I was naively convinced that if I wanted to do basic science instead of having my research dictated by stakeholders, navigating through the academic pipeline was my only option. For me, alternatives comprised choosing between small or large settings -- such as teaching colleges and R01 Universities. The doubt was always the ratio between teaching and research.
Somewhere during my graduate studies, I realized that the scientific universe was not so black and white. I became aware of government laboratories and research institutes, both linked and independent from academic institutions. Not to mention start-up companies -- in contrast to large corporations whose name are easy to recognize. As I was set on bench science, I never investigated any of the alternative careers in law, business or journalism. However, it was not until my postdoc options started waning -- mostly due to family constraints -- that I started questioning my true options. And when I thought my options were truly dim, a new path arose from an unforeseen quarter: a non-profit research center.
When I thought of non-profits, the image that came to my mind was humanitarian organizations and NGOs -- not laboratory research. After investigating the topic, I realized that large research institutes such as Scripps fall under this category. I also became aware not only that there are several large institutes spread around the country, but that there are also small ones whose names are mostly unknown. Nevertheless, the parallel in the for-profit world is very clear: big companies started out as small companies -- and there are many small start-up companies out there.
Hence, I am heading out this week to tell a group of graduate students and postdocs that there are small non-profit research centers out there. Places where one can do a postdoc or even find a more long-term position. Places where you can do science at a more independent level, as long as you can bring in funding for your research -- which is also true in academia. It is not a career that would suit many people, as it requires independence and self-motivation in high levels and comprises a degree of isolation. Nonetheless, it is worth including as a career option and students should know we exist.
Monday, October 18, 2010
DonorsChoose.org
Have you ever visited DonorsChoose.org? It is a wonderful charity that connects donors with classroom teachers in need. I just created a Science Bloggers for Students Page to help support low-income science and math classrooms. And I am inviting you to help support this project.
The average public school teacher spends $500 - $700 on classroom supplies out of his/her own pocket, and many students still go without critical supplies they need to learn. The way this website works is by teachers posting requests (microscopes, DNA kits, field trips to the zoo), and anyone can help fund them. Many companies and foundations help sponsor these projects by doubling the amount given by donors!
More than 50 science bloggers have joined together for a month to help fund science projects on DonorsChoose.org. In the first week alone almost $15,000 were donated, which will help more than nine thousand students! There is even a competition going on to see which blogger can bring the most donations. I know I am a small fish, but every dollar counts. You can visit my Science Bloggers for Students Page to make a donation. I have chosen projects that I would like to see funded, but feel free to browse around for projects that you find important.
Thanks in advance for your support!
The average public school teacher spends $500 - $700 on classroom supplies out of his/her own pocket, and many students still go without critical supplies they need to learn. The way this website works is by teachers posting requests (microscopes, DNA kits, field trips to the zoo), and anyone can help fund them. Many companies and foundations help sponsor these projects by doubling the amount given by donors!
More than 50 science bloggers have joined together for a month to help fund science projects on DonorsChoose.org. In the first week alone almost $15,000 were donated, which will help more than nine thousand students! There is even a competition going on to see which blogger can bring the most donations. I know I am a small fish, but every dollar counts. You can visit my Science Bloggers for Students Page to make a donation. I have chosen projects that I would like to see funded, but feel free to browse around for projects that you find important.
Thanks in advance for your support!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
And then one day it's done...
The genetic/biochemical screen, I mean. The screen that has consumed my working hours throughout this past year. The screen that was supposed to be high-throughput but was not. The screen that made me, for the first time in my life, consider abandoning science. I was on the verge of trading the lab for a scrapbook store - despite the odds of opening any sort of business in this tanked economy and the fact that I have never worked in a store in my life. I was feeling truly desperate this summer.
I am not an "-omics" person, I am a mechanism person. I never liked the large-scale experiments that try to list all the players in the game. I prefer to look at a player and seek out its role and how it plays the game. But when you are looking at pathways you need players, and you cannot just rely on what others have found. Sometimes you just need to go fishing or you will only eat someone else's fried fish.
As much as I tried this past year to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel - the candidates that should come out of this screen - the work itself distressed me. Even though the pilot studies gave me candidates and I knew I would be getting a lot of possible players from the screen. Even though the majority of the screen was accomplished in six months. Even though I had help from my technician.
After a lot of pondering I think I discovered what my aversion to this screen was. Yes, it was tedious doing the same experiments week after week, but I have done boring experiments before - there is not much excitement in Michaelis-Menten curves. Boring was not the problem. I believe my exasperation was due to the lack of perfection; the fact that I knew I was missing things.
Screens are sloppy by nature, even the best-planed ones. It is unfathomable to test each of the 6000 mutants individually, in triplicate experiments with at least three data points each - that I can do for the however many candidates I get from the screen. In a screen you throw a net and pull out what gets caught. It is not perfect; it is extensive but not exhaustive. And there is a limited amount of time and money one can spend on the first step before moving to the next - interesting - phase.
I never thought I would say I hated anything, let alone something at work, until now. I am positive I never want to do another screen in my life, but I know there is another one that should be started next year. We even got a shiny new toy for it. I just have to hope that my sanity will survive it..
I am not an "-omics" person, I am a mechanism person. I never liked the large-scale experiments that try to list all the players in the game. I prefer to look at a player and seek out its role and how it plays the game. But when you are looking at pathways you need players, and you cannot just rely on what others have found. Sometimes you just need to go fishing or you will only eat someone else's fried fish.
As much as I tried this past year to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel - the candidates that should come out of this screen - the work itself distressed me. Even though the pilot studies gave me candidates and I knew I would be getting a lot of possible players from the screen. Even though the majority of the screen was accomplished in six months. Even though I had help from my technician.
After a lot of pondering I think I discovered what my aversion to this screen was. Yes, it was tedious doing the same experiments week after week, but I have done boring experiments before - there is not much excitement in Michaelis-Menten curves. Boring was not the problem. I believe my exasperation was due to the lack of perfection; the fact that I knew I was missing things.
Screens are sloppy by nature, even the best-planed ones. It is unfathomable to test each of the 6000 mutants individually, in triplicate experiments with at least three data points each - that I can do for the however many candidates I get from the screen. In a screen you throw a net and pull out what gets caught. It is not perfect; it is extensive but not exhaustive. And there is a limited amount of time and money one can spend on the first step before moving to the next - interesting - phase.
I never thought I would say I hated anything, let alone something at work, until now. I am positive I never want to do another screen in my life, but I know there is another one that should be started next year. We even got a shiny new toy for it. I just have to hope that my sanity will survive it..
Thursday, August 19, 2010
It takes a village...
Dada has been gone for a week now, but we still have another 12 days before he gets back. He was visiting his parents for a few days while his dad had heart surgery. As things went well, he left them for a conference this week. Tomorrow he heads back to his parents house and hopefully Papa will return home from the hospital this weekend. Then Dada is off to China - for a week. I have managed to take care of the kids, get work done and even enjoy my hobbies - mainly because I am not on my own.
The kids go to a wonderful daycare that has extended hours - so even if I do not get to drop them off before 10 am, I can pick them up by 7 pm. Even my gym has child care services, so I can work out at the end of the day (if I manage to leave early) or on Saturdays. I have a wonderful technician at work that keeps my cultures moving forward, even if I am not paying attention to them. She sets up my experiments so all I need to do is perform the assays. And for the "after hours" my parents are in town to help me out. We have been going over to my father's house for dinner most nights, where they even bathe the kids and get them to brush their teeth before we return home. I only have more than stories and good night kisses to take care of at night when we dine out with my parents because they do not feel like cooking. Even tomorrow, when my parents will not be in town, a good friend of mine has invited us over for dinner.
I rely on my support group to get me though the craziness of work and family life - I do not think I could manage it all without them. At least not without going crazy... It takes a village to keep a mother sane.
The kids go to a wonderful daycare that has extended hours - so even if I do not get to drop them off before 10 am, I can pick them up by 7 pm. Even my gym has child care services, so I can work out at the end of the day (if I manage to leave early) or on Saturdays. I have a wonderful technician at work that keeps my cultures moving forward, even if I am not paying attention to them. She sets up my experiments so all I need to do is perform the assays. And for the "after hours" my parents are in town to help me out. We have been going over to my father's house for dinner most nights, where they even bathe the kids and get them to brush their teeth before we return home. I only have more than stories and good night kisses to take care of at night when we dine out with my parents because they do not feel like cooking. Even tomorrow, when my parents will not be in town, a good friend of mine has invited us over for dinner.
I rely on my support group to get me though the craziness of work and family life - I do not think I could manage it all without them. At least not without going crazy... It takes a village to keep a mother sane.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
35, Oh My!
May is a birthday month - a large percentage of my family celebrate their birthday this month, myself included. When I am in Brazil it is a month full of parties, my family loves excuses to get together and be together. The phone rings all day with calls from well-wishers; my e-mail is full of happy messages.
However, among all the messages and presents, the birthday data was the best of all. After eight months of optimizing the assay and setting up the screen, then the four months of screening of less than half of the population, I was getting worried that I was wasting my time and effort. Oh the joy of seeing ten candidates emerge after two days of struggling with data analysis was very encouraging - especially with the conference I am attending coming up in two weeks!
This birthday is a big one, even though it is not the big one. I feel the impact of 35, but I was not dreading the date as I did before I turned 30. I now have many things to celebrate, such as two adorable sons, a big house and a job for the next four years. My life seems stable enough, my project seems to be coming together. I still want things, but I do not feel like I need anything - other than first author publications...
However, among all the messages and presents, the birthday data was the best of all. After eight months of optimizing the assay and setting up the screen, then the four months of screening of less than half of the population, I was getting worried that I was wasting my time and effort. Oh the joy of seeing ten candidates emerge after two days of struggling with data analysis was very encouraging - especially with the conference I am attending coming up in two weeks!
This birthday is a big one, even though it is not the big one. I feel the impact of 35, but I was not dreading the date as I did before I turned 30. I now have many things to celebrate, such as two adorable sons, a big house and a job for the next four years. My life seems stable enough, my project seems to be coming together. I still want things, but I do not feel like I need anything - other than first author publications...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The conundrum of the vanities
I never thought of myself as a vain person. In my mind vanity was always associated with beauty, and I never considered myself beautiful. Even when I occasionally felt displeased with my appearance, I was never unhappy with it. I have always felt a healthy amount of self worth and I was always able to look past the mirror when the image was not to my liking.
Through the years I have encountered situations where I wish I could change some minor flaw that bothered me at the time. I remember consulting an orthodontist some years ago about my gathered front teeth. When the price came out at $5,000 I decided that vanity was not worth that much. I had the money saved up, but I could not see myself spending it on a "perfect smile" - especially considering all the other minor problems I could see in the mirror. I had never striven for perfection, and it seemed the wrong aspect to channel my efforts. After much deliberation, I ended up buying my husband a plasma screen with the money; something more worthy of the investment. And the whole family has enjoyed it all these years...
Now once again I am facing a similar conundrum... but this time the mirror is winning. I hate looking at the "mommy belly" I acquired after two 8+ lb babies and two cesarean sections. I am not overweight, but I still look pregnant. I hate being asked if I am expecting again. A year of abdominal exercises at the gym has produced unnoticeable results, as the muscles have separated in what is called diastasis recti. No amount of exercise will fix it.
I am contemplating having the muscles sewn back together. Not a tummy-tuck - no plastic surgery - just a laproscopic procedure to attach the muscles that have been separated during pregnancy. My condition is not bad enough to cause a hernia, so it is indeed a cosmetic procedure. My insurance will probably not cover it and the recovery of abdominal surgery is not very pleasant - I know...
However, is it really vanity or can it be referred to as well being? If it really - truly - bothers me and diminishes my feelings of self-contentment? Or have I misplaced my confidence and self-worth? My internal bonfires are raging....
Through the years I have encountered situations where I wish I could change some minor flaw that bothered me at the time. I remember consulting an orthodontist some years ago about my gathered front teeth. When the price came out at $5,000 I decided that vanity was not worth that much. I had the money saved up, but I could not see myself spending it on a "perfect smile" - especially considering all the other minor problems I could see in the mirror. I had never striven for perfection, and it seemed the wrong aspect to channel my efforts. After much deliberation, I ended up buying my husband a plasma screen with the money; something more worthy of the investment. And the whole family has enjoyed it all these years...
Now once again I am facing a similar conundrum... but this time the mirror is winning. I hate looking at the "mommy belly" I acquired after two 8+ lb babies and two cesarean sections. I am not overweight, but I still look pregnant. I hate being asked if I am expecting again. A year of abdominal exercises at the gym has produced unnoticeable results, as the muscles have separated in what is called diastasis recti. No amount of exercise will fix it.
I am contemplating having the muscles sewn back together. Not a tummy-tuck - no plastic surgery - just a laproscopic procedure to attach the muscles that have been separated during pregnancy. My condition is not bad enough to cause a hernia, so it is indeed a cosmetic procedure. My insurance will probably not cover it and the recovery of abdominal surgery is not very pleasant - I know...
However, is it really vanity or can it be referred to as well being? If it really - truly - bothers me and diminishes my feelings of self-contentment? Or have I misplaced my confidence and self-worth? My internal bonfires are raging....
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