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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

So you'd like to marry a scientist...

When my mother was getting ready to marry my dad, someone took her aside and told her it was not easy being a scientist's wife. At 19 I'm not sure how prepared she was for this role (or marriage in general), but as they approach their 37th anniversary I can see she managed just fine. Being a scientist myself, I can understand some of the challenges she faced.

Science is not a 9 to 5 job, it's a lifestyle. I was told that the first day of classes in my undergraduate program. I had been admitted to the first incoming class of a program designed to form researchers in biological sciences. The coordinators wanted to make sure we knew what we were getting into. I was probably as prepared for my career as my mother was for marriage, and, like her, I dived in with all my heart.

The way things turned out, I ended up marrying a scientist. Five years later, it is hard to say whether this made things easier or more difficult. All I know is I don't think I could have married anyone else. I need someone that understands how important work is to me. I need someone who I can talk problems out with and can give me strategies to attack them. I need someone who will give me constructive criticism to help me move forward in life. Someone that doesn't think I am too crazy when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about experiments. And yes, the fact that he can cook & dance was indeed what sealed the deal.

As I married a scientist, I got what I asked for but the reverse was also true. We are both spouses of a scientist also. So we talk research at breakfast and dinner, and sometimes in the middle of the night. I always find it amusing to hear him whispering in my ear "Are you awake? I was thinking about my grant..." Pre-kids there was a lot more science talking, but now we have two little someones competing for attention.

I realized how much of a scientist I am during my pregnancies. When I miscarried my first pregnancy the message boards did not give me the support I needed. I found more comfort on PubMed. Somehow realizing that it happens 20% of the time (25% in England - why?) made me feel more normal. I guess sanity is a question of perspective... All I can say is that I tackled pregnancy as I would any other experiment. I have to admit I was a bit obsessed with development. I was reading more embryology texts than parenting books. I found this great pregnancy journal that describes what happens to the fetus & mother on a daily basis, along with nutritional information and why certain things should be avoided. The more I read, the more I was amazed there were babies born at all. Makes you want to almost believe in miracles...

Along with the perks there are also disadvantages of my marrying a scientist. The major one is that my career is not advancing as smoothly as I would have hoped. It is easy to just blame our age difference of four years. He had finished his Ph.D. by the time I started mine. Combined with the fact that he had a very short 1-year postdoc before landing his tenure-track position. He is tenured and I'm contemplating a third postdoc. I'm not trying to catch up, I know I will be trailing for years.

As I meander through life I keep my goals in view and enjoy the journey. Despite the pebbles in the road, I would not have taken a different route. A Brazilian poet once wrote that he collected the stones in his path because one day he would have enough to build a castle. This princess is working on her castle too.

5 comments:

  1. I am an Astrophysicist and teach at a university in Scotland. I agree that it would be tough for a lot of people to be married to a scientist. I think your best bet is of course another scientist or in my opinion an artist. My wife is an artist and she totally gets that needing to talk about your ideas in the middle of the night and she understands that art and science both demand the same expansive and creative thinking. I also feel that as well as being able to understand each other we also expand one anothers horizons in a way we could not had we both been one thing or the other.

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  2. I regret marrying one..He is not settled...does not have a tenure track ...I understand his passion but now we are in different countries because he wants to do a postdoc...I am settled in my career and cannot move to a different country for a postdoc...I think my scientist is happiest doing his research...loves to be alone and does not need me...I am mad at him for getting married in the first place...

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  3. I love my husband but his science career really dominates our life and I wish he had more time for us. He doesn't and never will, so I'm working hard to accept that right now because he is a really good husband when we can flag him down for some interaction. I can see that my son and I will be traveling and socializing without him because he has no time. I gave up living in the USA, my language, my country and my career to follow him. Wow! I wouldn't do it again because he's happy doing science anywhere while I'm left to integrate and set up a social life in his country. I would be happier in my own country, not his. I've seen many scientists relocate to the wives country because it is so lonely raising the kids in science husband's country while he's busy with work. I love my husband but I didn't realize I'd be running the entire show on the homefront while he focuses on science. I'm working hard to accept this and move forward in a positive way.

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  4. Another thought: you're very lucky that one of you has a permanent position. We moved around for years and lived with major instability in our lives due to one round after another of job cuts at the university where we thought he had found stability. More than 60% of his co-workers were laid off over about 8 years. We put off buying a house for years because there was always a new round of job cuts coming. Job stability is gold and I do appreciate the stability his current position provides and that he loves his work.

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  5. I love my husband but his science career really dominates our life and I wish he had more time for us. He doesn't and never will, so I'm working hard to accept that right now because he is a really good husband when we can flag him down for some interaction. I can see that my son and I will be traveling and socializing without him because he has no time. I gave up living in the USA, my language, my country and my career to follow him. Wow! I wouldn't do it again because he's happy doing science anywhere while I'm left to integrate and set up a social life in his country. I would be happier in my own country, not his. I've seen many scientists relocate to the wives country because it is so lonely raising the kids in science husband's country while he's busy with work. I love my husband but I didn't realize I'd be running the entire show on the homefront while he focuses on science. I'm working hard to accept this and move forward in a positive way.

    ReplyDelete