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Friday, February 13, 2015

Query Blog Hop

I'm joining the query critique blog hop hosted by Michelle Hauck and Amy Trueblood. Any comments are appreciated.

Title: SHROUDED GODDESS
Genre: YA fantasy
Word Count: 68,000

35-word pitch: When Sophie, a seventeen-year-old of half-tribal descent, awakens the Water Goddess, she needs to use her new water-controlling powers to pacify both sides of her family, before her Easterner uncle kills off the rainforest tribes.


Query:

Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula sings like a rainforest bird. She yearns for the close-knit families the local tribes enjoyed before the blond Easterners invaded from across the sea. But given her mixed descent, Sophie spends her days disguising her tribal heritage and fending off her noble cousin's groping.

To escape a forced marriage to her cousin, Sophie decides to flee with her childhood friend, even though her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie by publicly flogging him and executing his father for treason. But before they can leave her family’s sugarcane plantation, Sophie sings awake the Water Goddess who disappeared after the invasion. A Goddess who turns out to be more interested in Easterner fashion than what Sophie’s uncle is doing to the rainforest and the tribes.

Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophie, the deity’s advice is to seek help elsewhere. Now Sophie can’t just hide from her family and live a peaceful life with Gavin. Either she uses her new powers to confront the Easterners, or she seeks another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, and convinces her to bring peace to a land with more scars than Sophie’s uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.

SHROUDED GODDESS is a 67,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha trilogy.


First 250 words: 

I unlock my bedroom door with a hairpin and sneak out as soon as the hallway empties of gossiping maids and Uncle Hector's spies. Harp notes and laughter drift in the air from the festivities downstairs. But mingling with the drunken nobility without my grandmother’s protection will only get me married to my cousin by morning.

At the thought of Victor catching me alone by an alcove, my heartbeats fall off tempo with the secular music coming from the dining hall. I tighten the bows on my dress and try to ease the wild drumming in my chest. All I need is the unfinished tapestry I left in Aryeea’s room, to distract me so I won’t feel like a prisoner in my own home.

Flickering candlelight frames the doorway of my grandmother’s chamber, and I squeeze through the narrow opening to avoid announcing my presence with creaking hinges. Eyes closed and ocher-colored hands folded over her chest, Aryeea seems at peace on the four-poster bed my grandfather brought from across the sea. She’s only half the Baroness I knew in my childhood, but her dark hair is still as black as mine. Tribal blood pumps strong in our veins, no matter what we do to disguise our descent.

She’s so still. My throat constricts. The thought of never seeing my only ally again brings me shivers on this warm winter night. I’ll even miss the snapped orders she flings at me all day long.

“Sophia, stop viewing me. I’m not dead.”

12 comments:

  1. Sophie sounds like an interesting character. Her mixed up tribal world and the problems of the tribal king and the useless goddess make for a fun story. I'm a little confused by the way you begin the part about the forced marriage. You say she's avoiding her groping cousin and the arranged marriage before she runs away with her best friend. Is his name Gavin? Was it his father who was killed and the friend not the weird cousin who was flogged publicly? Its confusing. The stakes are good, but unclear. What exactly is her uncle doing to the rainforest? How can she help? What will happen if she and Gavin? leave the tribe to the uncle and just start over somewhere else? It was her plan to leave in the first place, why doesn't she keep trying to get away but instead wants to find a goddess to help her stop the uncle? I like the sharp, precise language of the first 250 words. It gives the impression that Sophie is practical and precise in her decisions and actions. That's one reason I was confused by the query. With the correct motivations, she would act. I want to know what her motivations are. Good luck.

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  2. As I was reading, I felt drawn into Sophie's world. I did wonder why she hides her tribal heritage. I was confused about her uncle. If he's an Easterner, how did he become so powerful? I can sense the conflict building up in Sophie, to leave and live the life she wants or stay and help the tribes. The query is good, but perhaps too long. I keep hearing to keep the query letter brief, one paragraph about the manuscript, one for a bio and then a closing. Your writing is eloquent. Good luck on this endeavor.

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  3. I think your short pitch could be tightened. Maybe, "When seventeen-year-old Sophie awakens the Water Goddess, etc."

    Also, is it Sophie or Sophia? Because I saw both names and wasn't sure which was correct. If Sophie is her nickname, maybe that should be clarified somehow?

    The query did its job - I'm hooked. And your first 250 were intriguing. This sounds like a story I'd love! Great work! :)

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  4. I really like the short pitch. For the query, can you raise the stakes a bit in the first paragraph and the last one!

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  5. Oooh, I really like this world you've created! Sounds like a great story!

    Just a few thoughts, I would change up the pitch a little to bring out some clarity: "When seventeen-year-old Sophie awakens the Water Goddess, she needs to use her new water-controlling powers to pacify both sides of her family before her Easterner uncle kills off the rainforest tribes.

    In the query, I wasn't quite sure if Gavin was the boy she was engaged to marry or the friend she was running off with.

    I loved the last line on your 250!

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  6. Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula sings like a rainforest bird. She yearns for the close-knit families the local tribes enjoyed before the blond Easterners invaded from across the sea. (Not clear how the first sentence ties in with the rest of this paragraph) But given her mixed descent, Sophie spends her days disguising her tribal heritage and fending off her noble cousin's groping.

    To escape a forced marriage to her cousin, Sophie decides to flee with her childhood friend, even though her uncle (suggest adding in "previously" here. Also, given all this, why is Gavin helping her?) rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie by publicly flogging him and executing his father for treason. But before they can leave her family’s sugarcane plantation, Sophie (Suggest saying here if it was accidental or not) sings awake the Water Goddess who disappeared after the invasion. A Goddess who turns out to be more interested in Easterner fashion than what Sophie’s uncle is doing to the rainforest and the tribes.

    Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophie, the deity’s advice is to seek help elsewhere. Now Sophie can’t just (Suggest delete "just") hide from her family and live a peaceful life with Gavin. Either she uses her new powers to confront the Easterners, or she seeks another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, and convinces her to bring peace to a land with more scars than Sophie’s uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him (The last part of this sentence doesn't make sense - "more scars than Sophie's uncle"?).

    SHROUDED GODDESS is a 67,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this story will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha trilogy.


    This query sounds very cool indeed! I'd definitely pick this book up to have a closer look. I'm puzzled by the name "Gavin" though - it seems really modern and out of place in a setting which seems more ancient and tribal.


    First 250 words:

    *But mingling with the drunken nobility without my grandmother’s protection will only get me married to my cousin by morning. (This is very extreme. How does mingling = marriage?)

    *At the thought of Victor catching me alone by an alcove, my heartbeats fall off tempo with the secular music coming from the dining hall (Last part of this sentence feels a bit unclear).

    *Flickering candlelight frames the doorway of my grandmother’s chamber, and I squeeze through the narrow opening (of what?) to avoid announcing my presence with creaking hinges.


    I like your first 250 words a lot! I'd definitely read on. You've got some good description, and it all reads very well.

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  7. I like your book title and lyrical writing.

    This isn't the genre I write in, so bear that in mind.

    From what I've read, agents say you should stick with the main character and not give names to other characters unless you're writing in double or more POVs. Also, this reads more like a synopsis than a query, whose purpose is to entice the agent or editor to ask to read your m.s.

    Also, be sure to put the MC's goal, obstacles, and stakes; the rest can just be confusing.

    Good luck revising and getting this publishede.

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  8. In the query, I was a little confused by who Gavin was when he was first introduced. His name kind of got plopped in there without explanation. Also, what is Sophie's uncle doing to the rainforest and tribes, and why? I'd specify for the sake of the stakes.

    I thought the 250 read very well - pulled me right in! Good luck with this!

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  9. I love the idea of this story! Escaping a forced marriage and awakening a goddess sounds like a thrilling adventure!

    Query:

    Your first paragraph is all backstory. Try to weave it in later. Here is where I think you should start:
    "To escape a forced marriage to her cousin, Sophie decides to flee with her childhood friend Gavin." The second half of the sentence makes it a run-on.

    I think your query stops to too soon. Do Gavin and Sophie go in search of the other goddess, the one no one knew existed? Is their quest the heart of the book? If so, make that clear. And spell out the stakes. What will happen if they fail.

    250:

    I'm not clear who locked Sophie in her room and why. If she in engaged to Victor wouldn't she be expected to be at the festivities?

    Is Aryeea the same person as Sophia's grandmother? If so, go with one name and stick with it. If not, make the distinction more clear.

    I like the final line! She has spunk!

    Nice work. Good luck.

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  10. Your queries are both intriguing. Other people have mainly already made the points I've thought of - I found the sentence read about her childhood friend a little jarring, even though of course Gavin must be that friend. I also wondered how she would know about a goddess who no one else knew existed? Or is she just hoping there is one?

    I too wondered why just mingling would lead to marriage, or why she's worried about never seeing her grandmother again if she's only planning to steal back to her room at this point. Is her grandmother sick or just tired?

    Anyway, sounds like a fun world!

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  12. Loving this concept! The log line is very interesting and concise. The query's stakes are a little lack luster. Is it a matter of her decision between fighting or looking for help? If so, that needs to be more clear.

    There seems to be a tad of back story clumped together upfront in the first 250. If you can find a way to spread it out in the next few pages, it would be better. Also, I'd love a bit more of the MCs voice in the pages.

    Hope this helps! Best of luck with this!

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