When my mother was getting ready to marry my dad, someone took her aside and told her it was not easy being a scientist's wife. At 19 I'm not sure how prepared she was for this role (or marriage in general), but as they approach their 37th anniversary I can see she managed just fine. Being a scientist myself, I can understand some of the challenges she faced.
Science is not a 9 to 5 job, it's a lifestyle. I was told that the first day of classes in my undergraduate program. I had been admitted to the first incoming class of a program designed to form researchers in biological sciences. The coordinators wanted to make sure we knew what we were getting into. I was probably as prepared for my career as my mother was for marriage, and, like her, I dived in with all my heart.
The way things turned out, I ended up marrying a scientist. Five years later, it is hard to say whether this made things easier or more difficult. All I know is I don't think I could have married anyone else. I need someone that understands how important work is to me. I need someone who I can talk problems out with and can give me strategies to attack them. I need someone who will give me constructive criticism to help me move forward in life. Someone that doesn't think I am too crazy when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about experiments. And yes, the fact that he can cook & dance was indeed what sealed the deal.
As I married a scientist, I got what I asked for but the reverse was also true. We are both spouses of a scientist also. So we talk research at breakfast and dinner, and sometimes in the middle of the night. I always find it amusing to hear him whispering in my ear "Are you awake? I was thinking about my grant..." Pre-kids there was a lot more science talking, but now we have two little someones competing for attention.
I realized how much of a scientist I am during my pregnancies. When I miscarried my first pregnancy the message boards did not give me the support I needed. I found more comfort on PubMed. Somehow realizing that it happens 20% of the time (25% in England - why?) made me feel more normal. I guess sanity is a question of perspective... All I can say is that I tackled pregnancy as I would any other experiment. I have to admit I was a bit obsessed with development. I was reading more embryology texts than parenting books. I found this great pregnancy journal that describes what happens to the fetus & mother on a daily basis, along with nutritional information and why certain things should be avoided. The more I read, the more I was amazed there were babies born at all. Makes you want to almost believe in miracles...
Along with the perks there are also disadvantages of my marrying a scientist. The major one is that my career is not advancing as smoothly as I would have hoped. It is easy to just blame our age difference of four years. He had finished his Ph.D. by the time I started mine. Combined with the fact that he had a very short 1-year postdoc before landing his tenure-track position. He is tenured and I'm contemplating a third postdoc. I'm not trying to catch up, I know I will be trailing for years.
As I meander through life I keep my goals in view and enjoy the journey. Despite the pebbles in the road, I would not have taken a different route. A Brazilian poet once wrote that he collected the stones in his path because one day he would have enough to build a castle. This princess is working on her castle too.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Ten Year Plan, rerouted.
I missed my 10th college reunion this year because my new baby was too young to travel. I was looking at the pictures in the alumni newsletter and I was reminded of my first few days at the college. First year students arrived on campus a few weeks ahead, for a Language & Thinking Workshop. Even though I was a transfer student with a year and a half of credits from my university in Brazil, I signed up for the workshop to get acquainted with college life before things got really going. One of the first workshop assignments was to come up with a 10-year plan, which I could, at the time, recite in my sleep.
My plan was to spend a year in college in the U.S. then return to Brazil to finish my degree. I would then get married, get a Masters degree, have a child, go for a Ph.D., have a second child in the middle, and maybe a third child after I finished the degree. It seemed very straight forward to me, and without major snags other than finding myself a husband in 3 years time. The professor that was teaching the class told me he was quite impressed that my plan intertwined career and family, as not many did. I couldn't see why anyone wouldn't, you need both right?
Of course my plan started to derail in less than a year, when my parents decided to extend my dad's sabbatical and stay in the U.S. for a second year. I was faced with the decision of going back on my own or staying the extra year and a half that would take me to get my B.A.. One of the advantage of staying was that I could enroll directly into a Ph.D. program, skipping the Masters degree required in my own country. Another one was that there was more research options in plant science, which I knew was the field I wanted to study. It seemed like such an obvious decision to most people that I could not understand why I was having such a hard time just staying.
After mulling it over for weeks I did the most irrational thing I have ever done in my life. I flew to England with an expired student visa and dropped my fate at the counter of the U.S. Consulate in London. If they renewed the visa I'd go back to the U.S., if they didn't I would return to Brazil. A very fancy coin-toss, but the visa was renewed and I ended up with a B.A. in Biology instead of a degree in Biomedicine.
Hence, not only the first six years of the plan got scrapped, but I also found myself in the midst of a doctoral program with no husband in sight. But as John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans." The husband came along when I was least expecting it, and by the end of those 10 years I was pregnant with my first child. By that point I had started planning less and (maybe) living more.
Sometimes it feels overwhelming just to plan experiments for the next month, let alone planning holiday vacations. My end goals are still the same, but I feel like I'm meandering towards them. The scene that comes to my mind is of a car trip with my dad and my sons this past summer to St. Augustine. My dad brought along his GPS, but insisted on navigating himself as he clearly remembered how to get there. It had only been 10 years, the roads hadn't changed right? The 1.5-hour trip took 3 hours, with us hearing the GPS say "rerouting" for half of it. I'm tired of hearing the "rerouting" in my mind. When it comes to life, I should just turn off the GPS and follow the scenic route.
My plan was to spend a year in college in the U.S. then return to Brazil to finish my degree. I would then get married, get a Masters degree, have a child, go for a Ph.D., have a second child in the middle, and maybe a third child after I finished the degree. It seemed very straight forward to me, and without major snags other than finding myself a husband in 3 years time. The professor that was teaching the class told me he was quite impressed that my plan intertwined career and family, as not many did. I couldn't see why anyone wouldn't, you need both right?
Of course my plan started to derail in less than a year, when my parents decided to extend my dad's sabbatical and stay in the U.S. for a second year. I was faced with the decision of going back on my own or staying the extra year and a half that would take me to get my B.A.. One of the advantage of staying was that I could enroll directly into a Ph.D. program, skipping the Masters degree required in my own country. Another one was that there was more research options in plant science, which I knew was the field I wanted to study. It seemed like such an obvious decision to most people that I could not understand why I was having such a hard time just staying.
After mulling it over for weeks I did the most irrational thing I have ever done in my life. I flew to England with an expired student visa and dropped my fate at the counter of the U.S. Consulate in London. If they renewed the visa I'd go back to the U.S., if they didn't I would return to Brazil. A very fancy coin-toss, but the visa was renewed and I ended up with a B.A. in Biology instead of a degree in Biomedicine.
Hence, not only the first six years of the plan got scrapped, but I also found myself in the midst of a doctoral program with no husband in sight. But as John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans." The husband came along when I was least expecting it, and by the end of those 10 years I was pregnant with my first child. By that point I had started planning less and (maybe) living more.
Sometimes it feels overwhelming just to plan experiments for the next month, let alone planning holiday vacations. My end goals are still the same, but I feel like I'm meandering towards them. The scene that comes to my mind is of a car trip with my dad and my sons this past summer to St. Augustine. My dad brought along his GPS, but insisted on navigating himself as he clearly remembered how to get there. It had only been 10 years, the roads hadn't changed right? The 1.5-hour trip took 3 hours, with us hearing the GPS say "rerouting" for half of it. I'm tired of hearing the "rerouting" in my mind. When it comes to life, I should just turn off the GPS and follow the scenic route.
Monday, September 29, 2008
CV, annotated
Like those letters one writes after being dumped, here is the CV version that doesn't get sent:
EDUCATION
6-year PhD. Non-major University chosen because I fell in love with my summer internship project. It took me 4 years to convince my advisor to let me do the biochemistry project that would "potentially" not work but led to major publication. The "much easier" genetics project led to 2 years of frustration and nothing to show for it. I learned not to listen to advice and to present data, not ideas.
BA from Liberal Arts College. Transferred from native country because of full-tuition scholarship. I would have had a publication from my senior thesis if the refrigerator had not been cleaned while I was doing my summer research internship. (Yes, my stuff was labeled.)
RESEARCH EXPERIENCE
Currently - Returned to postdoc #1 because advisor has money, while postdoc #2 advisor did not submit grant renewal. I'll get to finish the first-author publication that I left behind when the money ran out.
Postdoc #2. Two years, including 9 months of pregnancy (of which the last 2 were spent on bed rest due to preterm labor scare) and 2 months of maternity leave. Would have had 2 first-author publications if I hadn't received the pink slip at the end of the pregnancy due to lack of grant money.
Postdoc #1. Two and a half years, including 9 months of pregnancy (which were worked in full) and 2 months of maternity leave. My work led to 3 middle-author publications, while the first-author one didn't get finished because the grant ran out and I had to jump ship.
Graduate research - a patchwork quilt
Undergraduate research. More than average; 4 labs, 2 countries.
High School research. Got me to go into science despite my father's warning of required poverty vows. (True for native country.)
TEACHING EXPERIENCE
- Trained lots of graduate and undergraduate students that nobody else wanted.
- Three lectures in undergraduate course. (Best I could find in non-teaching oriented PhD program.)
PUBLICATIONS
Third author, from postdoc #1. All I did was clone mutants the grad student didn't want to do. Has been submitted and re-submitted and should be finally coming out in the next few months.
Third author, from postdoc #1. I would have been second had it not been for maternity leave and changing postdoc due to lack of money.
Second author, from postdoc #1. My data made the paper a lot more special, but not enough to deserve first-authorship.
First author, from PhD. Two-author paper. I had to convince my advisor the experiments were worth doing, then convince advisor and reviewers that the results were real even though the data didn't fit the current model. This paper has been cited frequently, but is still mentioned as a "side comment" because it doesn't fit the model.
Third author, from PhD. I spent 6 months optimizing a technique that a fellow postdoc used for a one week experiment. I was glad to be included as an author, instead of getting acknowledged for technical support.
MANUSCRIPTS IN PREPARATION
First author, from postdoc #2. I unearthed this project from a 10 year-old notebook and brought it back to life. Some experiments need to be repeated for validation and it's missing two major experiments. I will finish the experiments in my "free time", unless some other lab member would like to do them. The paper will be submitted in 1-6 months, depending on who gets to do the work.
??? author, from postdoc #2. This paper might have a story once more experiments are completed. Technically it is what the grant was about, but the proposed experiments did not pan out. (Which is why the grant renewal was not submitted and my contract was not renewed.)
First author, from postdoc #1 - which advisor keeps promising me and is the reason I was coaxed into returning to this lab instead of looking for postdoc #3.
AWARDS
- Money for going to conferences that I would not have been allowed to go otherwise.
- Money for staying in school instead of getting a "real" job.
- Money for attending a very expensive liberal arts college that I would not have afforded otherwise.
PRESENTATIONS
- Seminar at local institution during postdoc #1
- Seminar at native country institution during PhD. (Discovered I cannot speak science in that language.)
- Oral presentations at research conferences that let me talk.
- Poster presentations at research conferences that didn't let me talk.
REFERENCES
- Postdoc advisor #2
- Postdoc advisor #1
- PhD advisor
- PhD committee member that I still go to for advice when I start to freak out.
My Name
My Contact Information
EDUCATION
6-year PhD. Non-major University chosen because I fell in love with my summer internship project. It took me 4 years to convince my advisor to let me do the biochemistry project that would "potentially" not work but led to major publication. The "much easier" genetics project led to 2 years of frustration and nothing to show for it. I learned not to listen to advice and to present data, not ideas.
BA from Liberal Arts College. Transferred from native country because of full-tuition scholarship. I would have had a publication from my senior thesis if the refrigerator had not been cleaned while I was doing my summer research internship. (Yes, my stuff was labeled.)
RESEARCH EXPERIENCE
Currently - Returned to postdoc #1 because advisor has money, while postdoc #2 advisor did not submit grant renewal. I'll get to finish the first-author publication that I left behind when the money ran out.
Postdoc #2. Two years, including 9 months of pregnancy (of which the last 2 were spent on bed rest due to preterm labor scare) and 2 months of maternity leave. Would have had 2 first-author publications if I hadn't received the pink slip at the end of the pregnancy due to lack of grant money.
Postdoc #1. Two and a half years, including 9 months of pregnancy (which were worked in full) and 2 months of maternity leave. My work led to 3 middle-author publications, while the first-author one didn't get finished because the grant ran out and I had to jump ship.
Graduate research - a patchwork quilt
Undergraduate research. More than average; 4 labs, 2 countries.
High School research. Got me to go into science despite my father's warning of required poverty vows. (True for native country.)
TEACHING EXPERIENCE
- Trained lots of graduate and undergraduate students that nobody else wanted.
- Three lectures in undergraduate course. (Best I could find in non-teaching oriented PhD program.)
PUBLICATIONS
Third author, from postdoc #1. All I did was clone mutants the grad student didn't want to do. Has been submitted and re-submitted and should be finally coming out in the next few months.
Third author, from postdoc #1. I would have been second had it not been for maternity leave and changing postdoc due to lack of money.
Second author, from postdoc #1. My data made the paper a lot more special, but not enough to deserve first-authorship.
First author, from PhD. Two-author paper. I had to convince my advisor the experiments were worth doing, then convince advisor and reviewers that the results were real even though the data didn't fit the current model. This paper has been cited frequently, but is still mentioned as a "side comment" because it doesn't fit the model.
Third author, from PhD. I spent 6 months optimizing a technique that a fellow postdoc used for a one week experiment. I was glad to be included as an author, instead of getting acknowledged for technical support.
MANUSCRIPTS IN PREPARATION
First author, from postdoc #2. I unearthed this project from a 10 year-old notebook and brought it back to life. Some experiments need to be repeated for validation and it's missing two major experiments. I will finish the experiments in my "free time", unless some other lab member would like to do them. The paper will be submitted in 1-6 months, depending on who gets to do the work.
??? author, from postdoc #2. This paper might have a story once more experiments are completed. Technically it is what the grant was about, but the proposed experiments did not pan out. (Which is why the grant renewal was not submitted and my contract was not renewed.)
First author, from postdoc #1 - which advisor keeps promising me and is the reason I was coaxed into returning to this lab instead of looking for postdoc #3.
AWARDS
- Money for going to conferences that I would not have been allowed to go otherwise.
- Money for staying in school instead of getting a "real" job.
- Money for attending a very expensive liberal arts college that I would not have afforded otherwise.
PRESENTATIONS
- Seminar at local institution during postdoc #1
- Seminar at native country institution during PhD. (Discovered I cannot speak science in that language.)
- Oral presentations at research conferences that let me talk.
- Poster presentations at research conferences that didn't let me talk.
REFERENCES
- Postdoc advisor #2
- Postdoc advisor #1
- PhD advisor
- PhD committee member that I still go to for advice when I start to freak out.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
So many PhDs, not many professors.
When I was finishing my PhD, I drove many of my professors crazy by asking them where their students were. I was searching for alumni from my graduate program that made it into academia. I wasn't going as far as wanting a tenured faculty member, as our program only started in the early 1990's and admits about 3-5 students a year. It is also true that several of the alumni are foreign students, many of which return to their own country. I assumed that most professors kept track of their students, shouldn't they get brownie points for their progeny's success? However, my professors kept sending me to each other, and in the end one of them introduced me to a student of theirs at a conference who had recently gotten a tenure-track position. (Her husband, who is in the same area, ended up with an industry job, but I'm not sure if it was by choice or not.)
My argument with my professors was that they were not training their students to stay in academia. They were not preparing them to go into tenure-track positions. I lived through my husband's struggles to get tenure and I knew he was a lot more prepared for the job at the end of his PhD than I was at the end of mine. He had a lot more grant writing and teaching experience, which is probably why he landed a tenure-track position with a year and a half of postdoc experience. It is true that I chose my PhD program partly because it didn't require teaching, all students admitted receive research assistantships. My thought at the time was that I didn't want to have to teach while I was taking classes or getting my qualifying exams done or my dissertation written. I didn't know that "no teaching requirement" meant "no teaching opportunities." I did manage to TA for a class, but three lectures are not enough to call experience. I tried to overcome that deficiency by volunteering to present my work at meetings and by joining as many journal clubs as would fit my schedule. But I am now looking for teaching opportunities during my postdoc, which are also quite difficult to find.
Given what I believed were shortcomings of my PhD program, I was quite surprised to read an article in Science stating that only one out of 26 of Yale's molecular biophysics and biochemistry program graduates from the class of 1991 holds a tenured faculty position 10 years after graduation. Five other alumni are working in academia, but only one of those is on a tenure-track. The article makes the point that many of the alumni chose not to go into academia and that two thirds are still working in the life sciences. The author's concern was whether the low funding opportunities were to blame, but that does not seem to be the case. The main point I see is that most students are choosing not to go into academia, why?
I know that not everyone holding a PhD can (or wants to) become a professor. And there are not enough positions available for the ones that are trying for it. I understand not trying for something because you don't want to do it, but what I see is many students thinking they cannot compete. I heard that professors tell their students to aim one tier down, that someone from a "first-tier" institution will get a job in a "second-tier" and so on. That kind of comment sends some students straight to industry, as they are scared they will end up teaching at a community college. Not to mention the married couples who are told to forget about dual-position offers unless they both have Science & Nature publications. Are the prospects really that bleak? No wonder most students are scared of academia!
My argument with my professors was that they were not training their students to stay in academia. They were not preparing them to go into tenure-track positions. I lived through my husband's struggles to get tenure and I knew he was a lot more prepared for the job at the end of his PhD than I was at the end of mine. He had a lot more grant writing and teaching experience, which is probably why he landed a tenure-track position with a year and a half of postdoc experience. It is true that I chose my PhD program partly because it didn't require teaching, all students admitted receive research assistantships. My thought at the time was that I didn't want to have to teach while I was taking classes or getting my qualifying exams done or my dissertation written. I didn't know that "no teaching requirement" meant "no teaching opportunities." I did manage to TA for a class, but three lectures are not enough to call experience. I tried to overcome that deficiency by volunteering to present my work at meetings and by joining as many journal clubs as would fit my schedule. But I am now looking for teaching opportunities during my postdoc, which are also quite difficult to find.
Given what I believed were shortcomings of my PhD program, I was quite surprised to read an article in Science stating that only one out of 26 of Yale's molecular biophysics and biochemistry program graduates from the class of 1991 holds a tenured faculty position 10 years after graduation. Five other alumni are working in academia, but only one of those is on a tenure-track. The article makes the point that many of the alumni chose not to go into academia and that two thirds are still working in the life sciences. The author's concern was whether the low funding opportunities were to blame, but that does not seem to be the case. The main point I see is that most students are choosing not to go into academia, why?
I know that not everyone holding a PhD can (or wants to) become a professor. And there are not enough positions available for the ones that are trying for it. I understand not trying for something because you don't want to do it, but what I see is many students thinking they cannot compete. I heard that professors tell their students to aim one tier down, that someone from a "first-tier" institution will get a job in a "second-tier" and so on. That kind of comment sends some students straight to industry, as they are scared they will end up teaching at a community college. Not to mention the married couples who are told to forget about dual-position offers unless they both have Science & Nature publications. Are the prospects really that bleak? No wonder most students are scared of academia!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Ready or not, we're leaving today.
There never seems to be a good time to go on vacations. This is another situation when the 80% rule applies. Or better yet, the Nike philosophy: Just do it. I sincerely thought this time would be different, that it would be a relaxing transition between one postdoc and the next. However, we couldn't travel on the last two weeks of September, so we decided to go a few weeks early. My thought was that I could finish all my experiments before the vacation and just focus on writing up the papers when I got back. Wishful thinking...
As the departure date approached, the unexpected hit. More experiments came up, I lost a huge batch of cells because they didn't differentiate. When experiments need to be planned two weeks ahead, it's very easy to over-plan. How many experiments can I realistically get done in a week? At least I'm not pregnant... The last time I tried to "finish everything" I ended up on bed rest for preterm labor. I was the grumpiest person in the maternity ward. The nurses couldn't understand why I wasn't happy to have an excuse to stay at home. 'And do what? Knit?' My husband tried to calm me down while I ranted that I couldn't do my experiments at home.
The week before our departure date I started prioritizing, planning every day to the max. Setting up experiments for the last few weeks on the job, when I get back. Making sure all the important experiments got done. As I'm not moving to a different town, just across campus, I can always stop by later to complete a missing experiment. I had every day planned by the time I heard the weather forecast. What a great time for a tropical storm! I figured I could work through it, it's not a hurricane, right? When our children's daycare suggested that they were thinking of closing at noon on Thursday I almost had a heart attack. My cells! All 60 plates waiting to be collected that day. My husband and I exchanged pleading glances. Who gets to work? He needed to finish planning his field so the rest of the lab could plant while he was gone. Fortunately the lab gods heard us and we at least got Thursday. So I got to collect the membranes, and blot the 5 gels I had run the day before. I just didn't get to see if the experiment worked... do I need to plan to repeat it when I get back?
Home with the kids the day before leaving on vacation. Packing our bags (at least we have time for that now!) and watching the rain. We don't even know if the flight will be canceled... This seems crazy, but I actually woke up at 4 am wondering if I could make it to the lab if the flight was delayed. I'm sure I will relax once we actually get going. I tend not to worry about work when I'm miles away. Hopefully the weather will be better, the storm will pass and we can set sail. It's not the end of the world, I'll be back in two weeks...
As the departure date approached, the unexpected hit. More experiments came up, I lost a huge batch of cells because they didn't differentiate. When experiments need to be planned two weeks ahead, it's very easy to over-plan. How many experiments can I realistically get done in a week? At least I'm not pregnant... The last time I tried to "finish everything" I ended up on bed rest for preterm labor. I was the grumpiest person in the maternity ward. The nurses couldn't understand why I wasn't happy to have an excuse to stay at home. 'And do what? Knit?' My husband tried to calm me down while I ranted that I couldn't do my experiments at home.
The week before our departure date I started prioritizing, planning every day to the max. Setting up experiments for the last few weeks on the job, when I get back. Making sure all the important experiments got done. As I'm not moving to a different town, just across campus, I can always stop by later to complete a missing experiment. I had every day planned by the time I heard the weather forecast. What a great time for a tropical storm! I figured I could work through it, it's not a hurricane, right? When our children's daycare suggested that they were thinking of closing at noon on Thursday I almost had a heart attack. My cells! All 60 plates waiting to be collected that day. My husband and I exchanged pleading glances. Who gets to work? He needed to finish planning his field so the rest of the lab could plant while he was gone. Fortunately the lab gods heard us and we at least got Thursday. So I got to collect the membranes, and blot the 5 gels I had run the day before. I just didn't get to see if the experiment worked... do I need to plan to repeat it when I get back?
Home with the kids the day before leaving on vacation. Packing our bags (at least we have time for that now!) and watching the rain. We don't even know if the flight will be canceled... This seems crazy, but I actually woke up at 4 am wondering if I could make it to the lab if the flight was delayed. I'm sure I will relax once we actually get going. I tend not to worry about work when I'm miles away. Hopefully the weather will be better, the storm will pass and we can set sail. It's not the end of the world, I'll be back in two weeks...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The 80% rule
Years ago, I read in a magazine that there is no perfect time to have kids. If you are 80% sure you want them, go ahead because you won't get much closer to that 100%. At the time I thought that was a bit silly, but it turned out to be true. And I found myself applying that 80% rule to many other decisions in my life. While I might wonder how things could have turned out differently, I have not regretted any of the decisions I made. I'm not an impulsive person, I ponder quite a bit. But one can ponder forever and not accomplish anything...
I got married while in grad school and, as most relationships go, it wasn't really planned. It felt right enough for me to blurt out one day after dinner that I thought we should get married. The answer I got was 'OK, I'll call your bluff' and a beautiful ring that I wouldn't have done any better picking out myself. I wasn't bluffing, but I wasn't 100% sure either. I was anticipating a long engagement, because I wasn't sure I could take the time and plan the "big fat Brazilian wedding" I wanted. We ended up having 3 weddings, and by the end of the year my husband said he was done getting married, for life.
All that wedding stuff delayed my PhD defense for about 6 months, as I wasn't quite done. I realized later that I would never be. I could keep planning experiments my whole life. But one needs papers and I had to write things up. So I did, when I thought it was 80% there. Then I added the few extra experiments the reviewers suggested, and I still thought it was only 80%. I'm writing 2 papers now, and for both I have about 80% of the data. My contract has ended and I have only a few weeks before I move on. I wish I had an extra 6 months, but I'm sure I would think it was only 80% complete then too.
I believe I also used the 80% rule when picking my post docs. The labs seemed to be the right place for me to learn what I wanted. Were they my best choice? They could have been better, but I don't regret either of them. And both mentors were very understanding when I announced my pregnancies. I don't regret those at all, and the timing seems to have worked out well. I was told by a pregnant post doc during grad school that post docs were the best time to have kids. I took her advice, but I don't think there is a best time. I can feel the setback, but I don't think any other time would have been better. Either you want them or you don't. And if you do, just have them when you are 80% sure.
I got married while in grad school and, as most relationships go, it wasn't really planned. It felt right enough for me to blurt out one day after dinner that I thought we should get married. The answer I got was 'OK, I'll call your bluff' and a beautiful ring that I wouldn't have done any better picking out myself. I wasn't bluffing, but I wasn't 100% sure either. I was anticipating a long engagement, because I wasn't sure I could take the time and plan the "big fat Brazilian wedding" I wanted. We ended up having 3 weddings, and by the end of the year my husband said he was done getting married, for life.
All that wedding stuff delayed my PhD defense for about 6 months, as I wasn't quite done. I realized later that I would never be. I could keep planning experiments my whole life. But one needs papers and I had to write things up. So I did, when I thought it was 80% there. Then I added the few extra experiments the reviewers suggested, and I still thought it was only 80%. I'm writing 2 papers now, and for both I have about 80% of the data. My contract has ended and I have only a few weeks before I move on. I wish I had an extra 6 months, but I'm sure I would think it was only 80% complete then too.
I believe I also used the 80% rule when picking my post docs. The labs seemed to be the right place for me to learn what I wanted. Were they my best choice? They could have been better, but I don't regret either of them. And both mentors were very understanding when I announced my pregnancies. I don't regret those at all, and the timing seems to have worked out well. I was told by a pregnant post doc during grad school that post docs were the best time to have kids. I took her advice, but I don't think there is a best time. I can feel the setback, but I don't think any other time would have been better. Either you want them or you don't. And if you do, just have them when you are 80% sure.
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